The Life Of... WHAT?!

That's what I felt like during most of the film...

This week's been relatively busy, considering it's January and my recent laziness.

Went to the movies on Wednesday with flatmate and some of her friends to watch Life Of Pi, because people have said it's a good film and it looked pretty shiny in the trailer. Looking back I should've known better to watch a film based on a book I wouldn't even consider reading because it sounded boring as fuck, but hey, you live and learn. And it's not entirely bad, really, just... well, it's not particularly good, either. It's very much in meh territory, which is not a good place to be for anything. It certainly is pretty, it even has moments of the Avatar-shiny, but mainly it's a rather huge pile of What The Fuck. I'm sure it's got a deeper meaning, it might be a philosophical exploration of whatever it is that philosophers explore, but to be honest, I really don't care. I didn't get it in the theatre and I didn't get it when I read the explanation of the ending on the internet. I'd make a really shitty philosopher, but to me philosophy is having an argument that no one can win because no one knows the answer which makes it pretty pointless to argue over in the first place.

So, 2 stars out of 5. I'm still disappointed the tiger didn't speak and/or eat the boy in the end. It would have greatly improved my experience.

On Friday I went out for drinkies with my flatmate and the neighbours. It was nice, I got out of the house and  collected some sociable points. Also found out that one of the guys spins staff and is not opposed to setting stuff on fire. There'll be FIRE in our backyard soon. I'm excited.

Saturday saw me trekking to Liverpool Street for combined birthday funtimes and iceskating. The beginning turned out to be somewhat of a fail because I couldn't find the pub we were supposed to meet at, mainly because I didn't look up directions before leaving. It all turned out fine in the end, though, because I located the ice rink, I located my friends and with a leettle bit of delay (one hour or so) we actually made it onto the ice. After a bit of flailing I found my ice feet again (it's like riding a bike, once you know how to do it you're sorted) and skated around in circles for 45 minutes. There were drinks afterwards, and food, and lovely conversations and it was a really great day. 

I probably shouldn't have turned on my computer when I got home and started writing, but I've signed up for a challenge and have to write a fic by next Friday and I'm worried that I don't get it done and disappoint people. Suddenly it was 3 am and I was still wide awake. Yeah. So today's been a bit lazy and I'm doing my best to procrastinate instead of writing that fucking story. Which is why I'm writing this. Oops. 

I'll get going now, then.

Don't Have A Llama

The subject's got nothing to do with anything you're going to read. Well, I possibly need a haircut, but that's all the relevance there is.

It's actually been almost a month (or 3 weeks or something) since my last post, that's a while, innit? I've been writing (2 stories published) and seem to be going through a phase of FUCK I CAN'T WRITE MY HEAD'S GONNA ASPLODE again right now, which is why I'm writing this and not smut. Hmmmm.

So, after all the amazingness of the gigs and coming out of the other end of the post-gig depression, mainly by perving over pretty inky boys on the interwebs and snuggling friends, and a bit of quiet time because fuck all was happening, it's gotten pretty busy again. It's that time of the year when my birthday happens, the first snow falls, Xmas parties let you see your colleagues in a way you really don't want to see them and of course, Christmas.

My birthday was a pretty quiet affair this year because the previous 2 years have been massive fails and a friend stole my birthday weekend anyway. So I just birthday bombed HIS birthday, which was a success. I even got a present (flow light poi, so excited) and obviously claimed ALL the hugs. I also got a little bit trashed, but not as epically as last month. I'm a grown-up now *cough* *cough*

Snow happened last week, too, and as expected TFL went belly up. They weren't even entirely sure why, the messages ranged from ice on the tracks to signal failures, which just goes to show how much havoc a bit of frozen water can cause.

The work Xmas do was ok, weak cocktails and bad music. I left when the DJ broke out Gangnam Style, I have standards.

Overall, the time since my last post has been a pretty happy one. My life keeps changing in unexpected ways and I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, so I keep making it up as I go along.

Some things don't change.

The Sharpest Lives

So, there was a party in my block of flats last night, a proper BLOCK party at that. The occasion was Guy Fawkes day, there wasn't a bonfire but a shitload of fireworks and every single flat in the house (9 in total) had people over for a get-together. I'd only managed to get one of my friends down, but flatmate had a few local friends over, there was booze and food and even some poi spinning because that just seems to happen when I'm involved. Ended up crashing the downstairs neighbours party after midnight and proceeded to get quite drunk and stumble back into my own flat around 3am. I'm a tad hungover today, the second time this week which seeing that I don't really drink that often (which means if I do I get drunk really fucking fast) is a bit of a record.

I went to see The Fields Of The Nephilim on Wednesday with Kenneth. Now, I've tried being a goth for about 3 months when I was 15 and mainly because I had a crush on the token goth in my year. It wasn't a particularly successful endeavour because I'm generally a pretty happy person and while I do like wearing black, I'm useless at doing elaborate make-up and like my music hard and fast (that actually hasn't changed that much over the years). I encountered the Nephilim a few times in my gigging life, though, mainly a supports for bands I was following or at festivals. To cut it short, I only really know one song (Moonchild, a true goth marvel) but thought I'd tag along for good ol' times sake and to potentially laugh at some goths. It started out with a few drinks in the pub because we decided that we don't need to see the support act and went on with more drinks at the venue. By the time Nephilim came on I was just a little bit shitfaced and probably giggling way to much to pull off any remaining goth-ness, but seeing that we were on level 3 (I didn't even know it existed) of the Shepherd's Bush Empire that didn't matter too much. It actually was a pretty good gig, there were attempts at moshing which deserve kudos for dedication to the cause because the music is not really fast enough to pull off proper moshing and Nephilim were solid in terms of sound. What made it awesome was watching my friend, a closet Nephilim fan for most his life, get into the music. He was air-drumming! And singing along! I was impressed and seeing him so excited made me go all excited. It was really, really good.

Work the next wasn't all that great, I'm not used to being that kind of hung over but managed to pull through.

I'm now gearing up for THE USED and WARPED (very, very, very likely including THE USED) next weekend, which will be beyond awesome (I hope. I'm pretty certain it will be.)

Oh, and I've published a story again! The crazies are somewhat coming back, huzzah! Unfortunately it wasn't one of the ones on my WIP list, NO, I had to go adopt a stray bunny from a newly discovered community, but I wrote the shit in two days and I'm finally making progress with teh words in some of the WIPs now.

Did I mention I'm excited about next weekend? Did I?

IMGOINGTOSEETHEFUCKINGUSED!!!!!

Here, have a picture:

*squeeeeeee*

Little Things

So, I went out last weekend. And it was a whole lot of fun and got a bit messy. Ok, it did get really messy, but in an entirely good way. I didn't get laid, but I had an awesome time hanging out with my friends, got loads of cuddles and accidentally managed to get insanely stoned. Well, maybe not that accidentally, I did eat the weed brownies after all, I just didn't expect them to be that strong. Cue epic trashedness and subsequently a rather scenic trip home (I thought I'd sobered up, turned out I was wrong). Good times, anyway.

Unsurprisingly, this week was a bit slow, but not as bad as expected. I'm being insanely good this weekend, mainly because nothing's happening anywhere. There may be shenanigans next week, so I'm saving my energy.

Writing's still going slow and it's still driving me mad. If there's a way to induce a manic episode I haven't found it yet, which is woeful. I get the occasional glimpse of greatness, thoughts flowing like they used to, and then it stops again. The words come out all wrong, even though the movie in my head is there. Not sure how people ever manage to write books, but maybe they don't have my head. Ok, they most certainly don't have my head because otherwise there would be a lot more well written pornography around.

It's 3 weeks to The Used and Warped, and currently it looks like that weekend will be made even sweeter by a friend from Canada coming to visit. And then I'm going to Germany to see The Used AGAIN and then winter's coming and we're all doomed.

I need a holiday.

Black Holes & Revelations

I'm at home & I'm bored. Don't really feel like going out, but could be sociable if anyone was around to be sociable with. There's obviously stuff I could do, like sort out my wardrobe because I have the suspicion that there are clothes lurking in the back of it that I've totally forgotten about. It's also getting kinda full and I keep wearing the same things over & over again, which probably means there's stuff I could give away to make space for new stuff I could buy. So far I've quite successfully sat on the sofa all day, Kerrang TV in the background and my computer on my lap.

There's writing to be done, the amount of WIPs on my computer is growing, I've written rough outlines for 2 fics this week and just can't get myself to prod & poke them enough to make them pretty & publishable. I seem to  have gone from 'oh my god I have to write or my head explodes' to 'yeah, I really want to write and  I'm enjoying it' which I guess is a better place to work from. It's also slightly less fun, I very much enjoyed the blind necessity to get ideas out of my head, the frantic pace I could write have, but I have to acknowledge that my writing probably is better now that I have more peace to think about it.

Nevertheless, I really, REALLY miss the crazies I had earlier this year. It was stressful at times, but also a lot of fun. I feel almost grounded now but all I want is the manic back. I want to be crazy again. It doesn't look like it's anything I can bring on myself, can't do it on purpose, which sucks. Can I please be crazy again now?

Last weekend was a little bit of a clusterfuck. I didn't end up going to the wedding with the young one because of short notice and the bride freaking out. I did see him inbetween coming back from his adventures in Africa and the weekend, although no sexytimes did happen because he wanted to talk. Srsly, why? There has been more sex since then, but he's managed to break himself so bad last weekend that he's out of commission for this weekend. I'm not entirely pleased with this, but on the other hand my body isn't cooperating at the moment (as in, my period's been trying to start for three days now and I don't exactly feel like company). I did get to see Jay last weekend, which was all kinds of awesome and I also made it into town for a bit of shopping. Not all was lost, you see.

I've called an old friend of mine last weekend, too, and we had a really good chat. This, and for some reason talking to the young one, has caused a bit of reflection to happen. Which was totally unexpected, but for once it actually made me feel better about myself.

One thing I realized was that I really don't want to have children. Not sure if I ever wanted them, to be honest. I've always said that I would have the child if I got pregnant (and I still stand by that, although it's getting more and more unlikely), but it's never been anything that I've actively tried/risked to make happen. I got extremely broody in my early 30s, but even then it was more 'hey, let's see what my body can do' or 'nice excuse to get fat', not 'omg, I need a child in my life to feel complete'. I can't see children in my life as it is at the moment and it's unlikely that my life's gonna change in the near future, because I like my life as it is.
Another thing is that, unlike other most people, I never had any desire to live with my partner (when I had one). I don't even particularly like sharing a bed. I like sleeping alone. I've always liked sleeping alone, my ideal situation would I ever end up living with a partner would be separate bedrooms. Hell, if I had my way we'd have separate flats next to each other. I can deal with a person next to me in bed occasionally, but it's nothing I'd want on a regular basis.
I'm still mulling over what my ideal relationship constellation would be like. I don't think I'm entirely polyamorous, I'm too jealous and possessive for that, I need to know that a person is mine. But I'm also more and more realizing that it's rather unlikely that there is one person that can give me all I need. Not sure I'd want one person to give me all I need, I kinda like the idea to have different people for different things. At the moment it's nothing I have to think about further because I don't have a relationship, but the way things are developing it's probably going to be some sort of primary relationship/secondary relationship(s) or open relationship in some form or other situation that I'd settle for. I have been completely monogamous before and can do it, I'm just not sure if I'd want to anymore.
I want someone (or a few people, not ruling that out yet) to share my life with, I'm happier if I've got someone. I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

So, yeah, I'm different. I'm seriously lacking role models. There'll be loads of shit to sort out should I ever find someone to fall in love with again. But maybe knowing what I want and what I'd like my partner to want will make it a bit easier to find that person.

It's Oh So Quiet...

I've got a really bad case of writer's block. Which happened just as I've signed up for a fic bingo and found a new community to write for. Obviously. My head has gone quiet (well, relatively speaking, it's only one or two voices talking now and they're not telling me stories), after being noisy as fuck since beginning of this year.

This. Is. Not. Fair.

I'm getting good feedback for the stuff I've written so far which is still making me insanely happy. It also makes me want to write more, but yeah, the head is not cooperating at the moment. I'm trying to distract myself by going out and doing things and reading a lot. Well, reading even more than usual.

I've taken my new hoop out for a spin this weekend, first to a spin/hoop jam in Richmond Park which was more of a walk around the countryside for an hour (Richmond Park is fucking huge and not all that pretty, really), then finally finding hoopy people, realizing it's just a bit too windy to spin poi or hoop properly, meeting more hoopy people and making arrangements to organize a hoop jam somewhere that doesn't involve trekking through the vegetation for hours and getting insanely lost on the way back to civilization again. I did get some exercise, though. On Sunday I decided to give in to the lazies and stayed close to home, thereby providing an hour of entertainment for my block of flats. Children love me, apparently. Especially if I have spinny things, which is no surprise, because they're pretty. Still suck at hooping, but not as much as before.

In terms of male entertainment there hasn't been any so far. The inappropriate funs mentioned previously chickened out (and hopefully gives up chasing me now) and I had my period last weekend which kinda ruled out finding other man sized fun. It also would have involved making myself look pretty and going out which I wasn't up to. I'm hoping to hook up with a very lovely person next weekend and I somehow have managed to get myself a date (shock, horror, I know) for tomorrow. He looks ok and seems nice, I'm totally not sure if I'm interested at all, but he lives/works on my way home which greatly appeals to my laziness. So I thought why not? and there were go.

On related news, the young one is coming back on Monday, I somewhat miss him and very much look forward to dragging him into my bed again soon...

Now if I could just kick my head out of it's stupor and back into talking to me, all would be fine.

And I'll Savor Every Moment Of It

This winning at life thing we were talking about recently? I'm still doing it. Quite a lot.

I'm also still very much not over The Used. Every time I go on the internet to do things, I somehow seem to end up either looking for fic or picspam and getting distracted. I've pretty much found all the good fic that's out there by now (I think, please wait a moment while I have another look...) and seen most of the pictures. Still can't stop. I'm just a teeny bit obsessed. The Used are doing a tour with Evanescence this autumn, playing Wembley Arena. I'm so tempted to get a ticket, because I need to see them again, but I don't want to fork out big money to only see them play a support set and I don't like big venues. Really don't like big venues. So I'm currently crossing all appendages and checking twitter/googling like mad because I'm hoping they'll play Warped which is happening only a day after the Wembley gig. It is a match made in heaven and I'd much rather go to Warped and see loads of punk bands and watch skaters than see Evanescence...

Writer's block is happening and not going away. I've faffed around with my works in progress (aka the WIPs), but they're not pretty enough to publish yet. I'm getting a bit annoyed with myself. The communities I write for have gone into summer holiday mode, which means no prompts and goddamn it, I NEED MORE PROMPTS to distract me from the stuff that just doesn't want to get written. On a related note, I've published my stuff on AO3 now, which isn't locked and I'm getting hits and even had a few kudos and I'm thrilled. People actually read and like my stories, although I'm far from getting the attention that some of the established writers get (and to be honest, some of them are way better than me).

Ok, enough with this, here's my latest week:

Not much happened from Monday to Thursday, apart from a phone call from a research agency and an invitation to take part in a focus group next week. I'm only doing this for the money, really, and it's quite good money. There also was a leaving do from our student placement and while I don't enjoy hanging out with my colleagues after work (I see them for long enough at work, don't have any desire to spend free time with them), it was rather pleasant.

The young & pretty one came over on Friday and passed out on my bed 2 hours later (after we fucked, and no, I didn't break him, he was just tired, honest!). There were some sexytimes when he woke up in the morning, but no hanging out in bed all day because he had to go and organize a stag do. Spent the day pottering about and the evening doing mostly nothing. It was great. The plan for today was to head over to Camden and buy a hoop, but then the sun came out and the neighbours were getting the bbq ready and I thought I'd just go for a quick spin in the garden. Ended up hanging out with half the house, getting everyone to spin poi, ate tasty foods and got a teeny bit stoned. My poi hooping is improving very slowly, it's really different from spinning poi (because, well, it's hoops and they obviously don't spin like balls on strings) but a lot of fun and it looks pretty. Quite a win of a day. Again.

Things that could improve my winning even further: The landlord agreeing to our suggestion to only raise the rent by £50 (or not at all) and us continuing to be nice tentants, the young & pretty one chasing me a bit more, my manager realising how awesome I am and giving me more money (edit on Monday: salary went up by inflation, at least). Not sure how realistic all of that is, but one can hope.

*hopes*

So Here I Am, It's In My Hands

instagram/virtualjepha

Looking back at some of my blog posts from last year or so, I can't believe I'd ever say this, but I'm actually having a really good time at the moment. There's still a lot of things that suck, like not getting a bonus at work and the prospects of ever getting promoted pretty minuscule, and our landlord having delusions of grandeur and wanting more rent, or the fact the summer seems to not be happening this year on this fucking island.

But I can deal with that. If I really wanted to, I could actually change most of the stuff that's slightly annoying at the moment (except for the weather, that unfortunately is completely out of my control). I could change jobs (I'm looking at options, but I don't actually want to leave), I could look for a new place to live (although likelihood of another mental landlord is quite high, so we might just stick with the known evil), it's in my hands if I really want it.

And it seems to be that the whole love business is somewhat under control as well. As expected it all started happening when I stopped trying to make it happen and just went with it, and I'm still pretty much going with it because I'm not entirely sure what I want but I'm rather sure that if I start pushing it'll all turn against me in a second. And it's not going too bad right now.

Monday to Thursday were uneventful, need to work on my weekday excitement a bit more. Friday was the day of my annual work party, or The Fest, which I mainly attended because the pretty colleague's band (the colleague that I'm still fantasizing about shagging me in a storage closet at work) was opening on the main stage and because we get free food. The band turned out to be kinda crap, I don't particularly believe in bands with keyboarders and the singer had no stage presence whatsoever, and the food was just as naff as expected and then it started to rain and I went home. Saturday started with a nice long lie in, then a lot of faffing about and then the pretty boy came over and we watched movies and had sex. Not amazing amounts of sex because I was minutes away from starting my period and that's about the only time in the month when I'm not insanely horny, but there were loads of cuddles and skin and it was all good. He stayed over and there was more cuddling in the morning (because, um, sex at that point would have been too messy). I thought that I'd probably spent the day being lazy but then got a text from a friend (that I might've shagged earlier this year) wanting to go for lunch and hang out and who am I to say no. So we met up and spent a lovely day eating pizza and walking around the Wimbledon Common and drinking wine and chatting.

I really like when weekends go like that.

The pretty boy is going away to Africa for 3 weeks to teach and is busy next weekend, which means I most likely won't see him for a good while (woe!), so I'll have to distract myself otherwise. Sure I'll find a way.

I'm still writing and reading slash, struggling a bit with the writing because the stories I'm working on are being bitchy and big and at least one involves kink and I don't want to mess it up. I've stumbled upon a collection of really good kinky slash a day or so ago, I'm still in awe how good the writer puts it into words and how much it helps me define what I want and need and look for. I've probably discovered a new kink or two in the process and actually had to come up with the definition of theoretical kinks (things that I like to read, to write, but am not keen on actually putting into practice) in relation to practical kinks (things that I like to read, to write AND love to experience).

The upcoming weeks look rather empty at the moment, I should schedule a bit of culture methinks. And more writing.

Post title taken from "The Taste Of Ink" by The Used, which is awesome and everyone should listen to. Now.