Catch! Up!

I've been living in my head quite a bit in the last few weeks. I usually have AWESOME ideas for blog posts when I'm in bed and trying to go to sleep, but they're usually gone in the morning. I probably should just write them down, I've got a writing pad near my bed in case a story hits me, because stories are way more annoying than ideas and thoughts and THEY DON'T GO AWAY until I write them down. Hasn't happened for a while, unfortunately, but it could any minute which is why I also lug a writing pad around in my backpack when I'm on the train because rolling a story around in your head for an hour is really exhausting.

But I think a catch up is in order, because I've actually done stuff in the last few weeks that was pretty cool.

Like going to the Hide & Seek Weekender in the Royal Festival Hall. I've tried to drag friends along but they were their usual flaky selves, so I just went on my own. I unintentionally arrived when they had just started, so I got to take advantage of not having to battle to get into a game. Played Killer Queen, which was a lot like capture the flag but not, with food (balls), swords (for sending people back to their base), a bomb (which you could use to blow up your opponents base) and a queen (with 3 crowns, aka 3 lives). It was awesome and a pretty good workout as it involved frantic running around to grab food, kill people and drag that bloody bomb along. I then waited around for half an hour, catching my breath, and got to play Alien Encounter where I was a monster looking for food and trying not to get killed by the agents. Also got to play Searchlight, which was totally rad. I didn't get to punch the custard (was just what it said on the tin) because there was a queue and I was hungry. So, yeah, really good afternoon, although I've got the feeling that the Hide & Seek guys are going to go back to doing evenings as they were slightly pissed off about all the parents dumping their children at the games.

Then there was Beardyman, who done a gig at the Koko last Saturday. I was a bit surprised to see it went from 9pm to 3am, because that's a fucking awkward time frame for a gig, but bought a ticket anyway and then proceeded to try and convinced people to come along. Managed to talk my flatmate into it (by showing her loads of Beardyman stuff on youtube) and we rocked up at Koko at 10pm. It was no re-entry, which is always a bit shit, and it was even worse when we saw the running order. For reasons unknown to mankind, Beardyman was on last at 1.30am. He had 2 DJs and one DJ crew supporting, which could have been fun but wasn't really because they weren't all that great. But, hey, my flatmate was buying me drinks and there were guys to look at (even though I didn't want to take any of them home) and Beardyman was actually pretty cool. Judging by his facebook page some people were annoyed that he didn't do more beatboxing and/or stand up, but it was a club gig and he usually does sounds & looping stuff when he does those, so I was pretty ok with what surfaced. Could've done with it not going all that late because by the end I was somewhat tired (and a bit tipsy, I'm a total lightweight). Flatmate fell asleep on me on the nightbus, but all in all it wasn't too bad getting home (1 hour and 2 busses, which is pretty good for London standards).

I also caught up with Cherelle and got the latest on her new boyfriend. Haven't met him yet, but will next weekend. The boy might be useful and Cherelle is happy and all is good.

Last night I went to South Bank for a friend's birthday. He doesn't run with my usual crowd, so I got to chat with loads of people I don't hang out with that often which was cool. We went for dinner at Ping Pong and I can confirm that I still don't particularly like dim sum. I just don't see the point of sticky dumplings that aren't seasoned well enough. Give me sushi any time, but drop the fucking dumpling.

Coming up is a Burning Man planning session (second attempt) and a long weekend without the flatmate. I've got Friday off because I had to use the day or lose it (I'm NOT losing any holiday, fuck no) but no plans. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied, tho. I always do.

Madly, Deeply

So, THE USED are touring again. There still hasn't been an announcement regarding a possible appearance at Warped, and while there is an ominous 2 day gap in their schedule between their support gig at Wembley and a show in Utrecht the closer it gets to November, the less likely it is that they'll join Warped.

I've kinda solved the problem by buying a ticket for their show in Cologne. This might sound crazy unless you know that I'm in fact German, have lived in Cologne for 5 years and my parents live only 45 mins drive away. The gig's on a Thursday, which means I can fly out on Wednesday evening after work, hijack my mum's car the next day to go to Cologne (unless I manage to convince a friend to come along & drive), possibly meet up with a friend in Cologne before rocking the fuck out to The Used playing a rather small venue. AND I get a long weekend with my parents before Christmas, which means they can't complain they never see me and I can chill. I'm insanely happy about all of this and it's probably the fastest I've ever booked flights. The whole deal was sealed in less than an hour and I'm the QUEEN of procrastination.

In a bout of madness I've also got myself a ticket for that Evanescence gig The Used are supporting/special guesting. I can always fuck off after they're done and I just need to see them goddamnit. I'll still go to Warped, The Used or not, because of pretty skater bois and some decent punk bands on the line up.

\m/

In regards to music, I've found myself branching out a little after bingeing on The Used for, like, evar. Again, thanks to fanfic pointing me in the right direction (it's probably safe to say by now that Fanfic not quite saved my life but certainly made it a lot more awesome), I've started crushing on My Chemical Romance. Just a little, nothing compared to my infatuation with The Used.

There is music that's like an acquaintance, someone you meet at a party now and again and it's nice chatting to them and maybe have a boogie, but it's pretty much take it or leave it, no harsh feelings if you don't call the next day and don't meet up for a month or two.

Then there's music that's like your best friend (quite possibly the one with benefits) or a really good hug, or a best friend that gives really good hugs (and occasionally fucks you, just sayin'). You can wrap it around you like a blanket when you feel bad and it'll keep you warm. At the moment, My Chemical Romance's The Kid's From Yesterday or The Used's On My Own do that to me. They make my brain purr and my eyes cross and shivers run down my spine.

And then there's music that grabs you, smashes you against the wall and fucks you hard and fast and leaves you bruised, sore and breathless and you can't wait to do it again, and again, and again. Soundeffects & Overdramatics from The Used is like that and Vampire Money from My Chemical Romance.

Needless to say, the last two are the ones you want in your life and I'm really fucking glad I finally have them back. I missed them so much!

Oh, and talking about fanfic, I've finished another story. None of the ones I should be finishing because that would just be too easy, no, I spontaneously wrote a new one and because that one had a deadline of today I actually got my shit together and got it out just in time. There's 5 fic hanging about that need to be done by end of this year, well, ideally I should write another 5 because the first 5 are for a bingo challenge and I kinda want to gather a few more points. Obviously, I have to get the first bingo done before I can start on the next.

The crazyness monkeys still haven't visited my tree, which is sad. I get the occasional glimpse and then they're gone again and it's driving me mad, but not in the desired way. I'm hoping that going out will kickstart things again, I've got parties and gigs lined up. I might have to recruit a new lover or two, because the young one is getting a bit boring and currently wants to talk more than he wants to fuck and I'm not that interested in talking, really. Well, no one expected this to last, and I'm pretty sure there's more prettiness to be found elsewhere...

Black Holes & Revelations

I'm at home & I'm bored. Don't really feel like going out, but could be sociable if anyone was around to be sociable with. There's obviously stuff I could do, like sort out my wardrobe because I have the suspicion that there are clothes lurking in the back of it that I've totally forgotten about. It's also getting kinda full and I keep wearing the same things over & over again, which probably means there's stuff I could give away to make space for new stuff I could buy. So far I've quite successfully sat on the sofa all day, Kerrang TV in the background and my computer on my lap.

There's writing to be done, the amount of WIPs on my computer is growing, I've written rough outlines for 2 fics this week and just can't get myself to prod & poke them enough to make them pretty & publishable. I seem to  have gone from 'oh my god I have to write or my head explodes' to 'yeah, I really want to write and  I'm enjoying it' which I guess is a better place to work from. It's also slightly less fun, I very much enjoyed the blind necessity to get ideas out of my head, the frantic pace I could write have, but I have to acknowledge that my writing probably is better now that I have more peace to think about it.

Nevertheless, I really, REALLY miss the crazies I had earlier this year. It was stressful at times, but also a lot of fun. I feel almost grounded now but all I want is the manic back. I want to be crazy again. It doesn't look like it's anything I can bring on myself, can't do it on purpose, which sucks. Can I please be crazy again now?

Last weekend was a little bit of a clusterfuck. I didn't end up going to the wedding with the young one because of short notice and the bride freaking out. I did see him inbetween coming back from his adventures in Africa and the weekend, although no sexytimes did happen because he wanted to talk. Srsly, why? There has been more sex since then, but he's managed to break himself so bad last weekend that he's out of commission for this weekend. I'm not entirely pleased with this, but on the other hand my body isn't cooperating at the moment (as in, my period's been trying to start for three days now and I don't exactly feel like company). I did get to see Jay last weekend, which was all kinds of awesome and I also made it into town for a bit of shopping. Not all was lost, you see.

I've called an old friend of mine last weekend, too, and we had a really good chat. This, and for some reason talking to the young one, has caused a bit of reflection to happen. Which was totally unexpected, but for once it actually made me feel better about myself.

One thing I realized was that I really don't want to have children. Not sure if I ever wanted them, to be honest. I've always said that I would have the child if I got pregnant (and I still stand by that, although it's getting more and more unlikely), but it's never been anything that I've actively tried/risked to make happen. I got extremely broody in my early 30s, but even then it was more 'hey, let's see what my body can do' or 'nice excuse to get fat', not 'omg, I need a child in my life to feel complete'. I can't see children in my life as it is at the moment and it's unlikely that my life's gonna change in the near future, because I like my life as it is.
Another thing is that, unlike other most people, I never had any desire to live with my partner (when I had one). I don't even particularly like sharing a bed. I like sleeping alone. I've always liked sleeping alone, my ideal situation would I ever end up living with a partner would be separate bedrooms. Hell, if I had my way we'd have separate flats next to each other. I can deal with a person next to me in bed occasionally, but it's nothing I'd want on a regular basis.
I'm still mulling over what my ideal relationship constellation would be like. I don't think I'm entirely polyamorous, I'm too jealous and possessive for that, I need to know that a person is mine. But I'm also more and more realizing that it's rather unlikely that there is one person that can give me all I need. Not sure I'd want one person to give me all I need, I kinda like the idea to have different people for different things. At the moment it's nothing I have to think about further because I don't have a relationship, but the way things are developing it's probably going to be some sort of primary relationship/secondary relationship(s) or open relationship in some form or other situation that I'd settle for. I have been completely monogamous before and can do it, I'm just not sure if I'd want to anymore.
I want someone (or a few people, not ruling that out yet) to share my life with, I'm happier if I've got someone. I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

So, yeah, I'm different. I'm seriously lacking role models. There'll be loads of shit to sort out should I ever find someone to fall in love with again. But maybe knowing what I want and what I'd like my partner to want will make it a bit easier to find that person.