Black Holes & Revelations

I'm at home & I'm bored. Don't really feel like going out, but could be sociable if anyone was around to be sociable with. There's obviously stuff I could do, like sort out my wardrobe because I have the suspicion that there are clothes lurking in the back of it that I've totally forgotten about. It's also getting kinda full and I keep wearing the same things over & over again, which probably means there's stuff I could give away to make space for new stuff I could buy. So far I've quite successfully sat on the sofa all day, Kerrang TV in the background and my computer on my lap.

There's writing to be done, the amount of WIPs on my computer is growing, I've written rough outlines for 2 fics this week and just can't get myself to prod & poke them enough to make them pretty & publishable. I seem to  have gone from 'oh my god I have to write or my head explodes' to 'yeah, I really want to write and  I'm enjoying it' which I guess is a better place to work from. It's also slightly less fun, I very much enjoyed the blind necessity to get ideas out of my head, the frantic pace I could write have, but I have to acknowledge that my writing probably is better now that I have more peace to think about it.

Nevertheless, I really, REALLY miss the crazies I had earlier this year. It was stressful at times, but also a lot of fun. I feel almost grounded now but all I want is the manic back. I want to be crazy again. It doesn't look like it's anything I can bring on myself, can't do it on purpose, which sucks. Can I please be crazy again now?

Last weekend was a little bit of a clusterfuck. I didn't end up going to the wedding with the young one because of short notice and the bride freaking out. I did see him inbetween coming back from his adventures in Africa and the weekend, although no sexytimes did happen because he wanted to talk. Srsly, why? There has been more sex since then, but he's managed to break himself so bad last weekend that he's out of commission for this weekend. I'm not entirely pleased with this, but on the other hand my body isn't cooperating at the moment (as in, my period's been trying to start for three days now and I don't exactly feel like company). I did get to see Jay last weekend, which was all kinds of awesome and I also made it into town for a bit of shopping. Not all was lost, you see.

I've called an old friend of mine last weekend, too, and we had a really good chat. This, and for some reason talking to the young one, has caused a bit of reflection to happen. Which was totally unexpected, but for once it actually made me feel better about myself.

One thing I realized was that I really don't want to have children. Not sure if I ever wanted them, to be honest. I've always said that I would have the child if I got pregnant (and I still stand by that, although it's getting more and more unlikely), but it's never been anything that I've actively tried/risked to make happen. I got extremely broody in my early 30s, but even then it was more 'hey, let's see what my body can do' or 'nice excuse to get fat', not 'omg, I need a child in my life to feel complete'. I can't see children in my life as it is at the moment and it's unlikely that my life's gonna change in the near future, because I like my life as it is.
Another thing is that, unlike other most people, I never had any desire to live with my partner (when I had one). I don't even particularly like sharing a bed. I like sleeping alone. I've always liked sleeping alone, my ideal situation would I ever end up living with a partner would be separate bedrooms. Hell, if I had my way we'd have separate flats next to each other. I can deal with a person next to me in bed occasionally, but it's nothing I'd want on a regular basis.
I'm still mulling over what my ideal relationship constellation would be like. I don't think I'm entirely polyamorous, I'm too jealous and possessive for that, I need to know that a person is mine. But I'm also more and more realizing that it's rather unlikely that there is one person that can give me all I need. Not sure I'd want one person to give me all I need, I kinda like the idea to have different people for different things. At the moment it's nothing I have to think about further because I don't have a relationship, but the way things are developing it's probably going to be some sort of primary relationship/secondary relationship(s) or open relationship in some form or other situation that I'd settle for. I have been completely monogamous before and can do it, I'm just not sure if I'd want to anymore.
I want someone (or a few people, not ruling that out yet) to share my life with, I'm happier if I've got someone. I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

So, yeah, I'm different. I'm seriously lacking role models. There'll be loads of shit to sort out should I ever find someone to fall in love with again. But maybe knowing what I want and what I'd like my partner to want will make it a bit easier to find that person.