Black Holes & Revelations

I'm at home & I'm bored. Don't really feel like going out, but could be sociable if anyone was around to be sociable with. There's obviously stuff I could do, like sort out my wardrobe because I have the suspicion that there are clothes lurking in the back of it that I've totally forgotten about. It's also getting kinda full and I keep wearing the same things over & over again, which probably means there's stuff I could give away to make space for new stuff I could buy. So far I've quite successfully sat on the sofa all day, Kerrang TV in the background and my computer on my lap.

There's writing to be done, the amount of WIPs on my computer is growing, I've written rough outlines for 2 fics this week and just can't get myself to prod & poke them enough to make them pretty & publishable. I seem to  have gone from 'oh my god I have to write or my head explodes' to 'yeah, I really want to write and  I'm enjoying it' which I guess is a better place to work from. It's also slightly less fun, I very much enjoyed the blind necessity to get ideas out of my head, the frantic pace I could write have, but I have to acknowledge that my writing probably is better now that I have more peace to think about it.

Nevertheless, I really, REALLY miss the crazies I had earlier this year. It was stressful at times, but also a lot of fun. I feel almost grounded now but all I want is the manic back. I want to be crazy again. It doesn't look like it's anything I can bring on myself, can't do it on purpose, which sucks. Can I please be crazy again now?

Last weekend was a little bit of a clusterfuck. I didn't end up going to the wedding with the young one because of short notice and the bride freaking out. I did see him inbetween coming back from his adventures in Africa and the weekend, although no sexytimes did happen because he wanted to talk. Srsly, why? There has been more sex since then, but he's managed to break himself so bad last weekend that he's out of commission for this weekend. I'm not entirely pleased with this, but on the other hand my body isn't cooperating at the moment (as in, my period's been trying to start for three days now and I don't exactly feel like company). I did get to see Jay last weekend, which was all kinds of awesome and I also made it into town for a bit of shopping. Not all was lost, you see.

I've called an old friend of mine last weekend, too, and we had a really good chat. This, and for some reason talking to the young one, has caused a bit of reflection to happen. Which was totally unexpected, but for once it actually made me feel better about myself.

One thing I realized was that I really don't want to have children. Not sure if I ever wanted them, to be honest. I've always said that I would have the child if I got pregnant (and I still stand by that, although it's getting more and more unlikely), but it's never been anything that I've actively tried/risked to make happen. I got extremely broody in my early 30s, but even then it was more 'hey, let's see what my body can do' or 'nice excuse to get fat', not 'omg, I need a child in my life to feel complete'. I can't see children in my life as it is at the moment and it's unlikely that my life's gonna change in the near future, because I like my life as it is.
Another thing is that, unlike other most people, I never had any desire to live with my partner (when I had one). I don't even particularly like sharing a bed. I like sleeping alone. I've always liked sleeping alone, my ideal situation would I ever end up living with a partner would be separate bedrooms. Hell, if I had my way we'd have separate flats next to each other. I can deal with a person next to me in bed occasionally, but it's nothing I'd want on a regular basis.
I'm still mulling over what my ideal relationship constellation would be like. I don't think I'm entirely polyamorous, I'm too jealous and possessive for that, I need to know that a person is mine. But I'm also more and more realizing that it's rather unlikely that there is one person that can give me all I need. Not sure I'd want one person to give me all I need, I kinda like the idea to have different people for different things. At the moment it's nothing I have to think about further because I don't have a relationship, but the way things are developing it's probably going to be some sort of primary relationship/secondary relationship(s) or open relationship in some form or other situation that I'd settle for. I have been completely monogamous before and can do it, I'm just not sure if I'd want to anymore.
I want someone (or a few people, not ruling that out yet) to share my life with, I'm happier if I've got someone. I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

So, yeah, I'm different. I'm seriously lacking role models. There'll be loads of shit to sort out should I ever find someone to fall in love with again. But maybe knowing what I want and what I'd like my partner to want will make it a bit easier to find that person.

The Only Other Option Is To Forget

Work's been slow today, which was partly me (post-party recovery is going well, thankyouverymuch) and partly due to data that I needed not being available. Which means I had time to just stare into space and listen to my Spotify playlist. Which meant The Used and 30 Seconds To Mars. 

I still can't believe how these two bands managed to suddenly rock my world so hard it almost hurts. What really bugs me is that both of them have been around for so long, I had 10 years to find them and they only hit me now. It would have been totally awesome if I would have been there from the start, like I've been with New Model Army or Die Ärzte (oh, those were the days), when they played tiny clubs. But yeah, I really wasn't. I'm pretty sure I heard about The Used before and I definitely remember seeing 30 Seconds on MTV and thinking 'yeah, nice, but no'.

Back in 2002/2003, when I probably came across The Used, I still was a die-hard New Model Army fan and I guess their music just didn't sound right to me back then. I was in a completely different place from now, not only geographically (Cologne, Germany) but also in my head (numb doesn't even come close). Things were strange, but not quite strange enough. 

I've long ago fallen out of love with New Model Army, haven't been to any of their gigs or listened to their songs for years. Last time I tried, for good ol' times sake, it just felt weird. I remember what their music meant to me, so many songs connected to memories, most of them pretty good memories at that, but the part inside me that jumped with glee when I listened to their songs is now mildly bored. 

In the past 10 years I've been on a pretty wild journey, not only in regards to music but let's just concentrate on that for now. I went from New Model Army to Social Distortion, then crossed over to Pendulum, hit sleaze for a bit (Bullets & Octane and Buckcherry), detoured via the Dresden Dolls and got a bit intellectual with Dan Le Sac & Scroobius Pip. All the while crashing head-first into Psy Trance, because I can multi-task. 

But until 6 months ago I just wasn't ready for 30 Seconds To Mars and all their awesomeness just yet and now I'm apparently somewhere where The Used applies. They make that little part inside me jump up and down excitedly and bang it's little head and go all emo on me. Same goes for 30 Seconds To Mars, who kicked that part into gear again and kicked the shit out of it, too.

All the time I'm thinking it shouldn't be like that anymore, I'm over 40 for god's sake, I should be at a place in my life where I'm settled and not have random emo attacks and be just too grown-up to get all jumpy and obsessed with bands like this (and the pretty boys in those bands, too). Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy I'm not and that I can still feel it and know it makes sense the way it is because that's my life. I'm still searching, I'm still not quite there yet (wherever that is, I really wish I knew), still wanna go somewhere and find out what else is around the corner.

So yeah, turns out I'm now in exactly the right head-space to appreciate The fucking Used. 

Still Crazy

The craziness monkeys are still swinging from my every branch. Please move on, nothing to see here.

Actually, I think it's getting less intense. Or maybe I'm just getting used to it. There's only really about 3 days in the month where I feel like I did when I was on the pill, it seems to follow something of a curve. Or a wave.

It feels like I get manic episodes, only that I'm pretty sure that you don't get manic without the depressed coming in as well, and it's not as intense as I imagine a manic episode to be, and I definitely don't get the depressed unless I bring it on myself by fucking up my brain chemistry. So that doesn't count. I do feel a tad hyper occasionally and it would be nice if my sleep pattern would just resort to civilized hours, but I keep messing that one up on weekends, too, which makes it partly entirely my fault. I'm pretty happy through all of that, though. There has been considerably more bounce in my life recently.

And I've found ways to make my brain calm down, at least for a bit. Yeah, yeah.

On another, related note, I currently spend significant amounts of time at work fantasizing about having sex with one of my colleagues in a storage cupboard. Not sure if we even have storage cupboards, but I'm sure I could find something appropriate should it ever get necessary to do so. It's totally out of the question that it would come up, it would be foolish to start anything with someone at work, but the thought has so far entertained me for hours. Days. He is rather pretty. Actually, there's another one that I wouldn't say no to, either. Hmmm. And just so we're clear here, I don't harbor any romantic feelings towards them at all, it's not a crush. I don't even like one of them that much, he's just plain hot. I probably need help.

As for my mind, yep, unsurprisingly that's still hanging out in the gutter. It has made friends and is contemplating buying an apartment there. Turns out that the fanfic I found when I first started looking was the icing on the cake, I've found more but it's not quite as good. What it all boils down to is that I probably have to start writing myself, or more like, finish the two stories I've started. Unfortunately I'm currently suffering from a bit of a writer's block, so I'm still hunting for more stuff to read and get inspired while I get over it.

Also, for some reason my online dating profile has attracted a few (!) candidates that I'd actually like to meet. Seeing that my ventures into online dating have so far produced 2 dates in 2 years, that was a bit of a surprise. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting less picky. And it's not like I'm making more effort...

But before I go on any dates *gasp* I'm going out raving tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to that, although I have to be careful not to break myself to badly because I got stuff™ to do next week.

As you were.

Sideways

It's actually been 3 months until I last posted. Wow. And it's not even that I don't have anything to report, I just keep getting distracted by... errr... stuff. Loads of stuff. Interesting stuff. Most of it in my head and on the interwebs, but quite a bit also in real life.

So, where to start. Yes, my hormones are still a bit out of whack. Slightly more than a bit out, really. Or maybe they're just gone back to normal, I remember feeling like this when I last went off the pill, so I guess that's my normal setting and whatever I was like/feeling before was the chemically subdued version. No, I'm not depressed. Far from it, actually. It's more that I've gone sideways, in very interesting ways. Off kilter, occasionally, but never in a bad way, although it's been quite a ride sometimes. Can't believe that artificial hormones actually made me less crazy. Well, the crazies are back and there's no way I'm going back to what it was before, I feel better and more alive. But yeah, there's been some things happening that probably wouldn't have if I'd stayed on the pill.

No need to look worried now. I'm not.

It started with me developing a sudden very active interest in pretty actors. That interest was always there in the background, I like pretty boys, I just got a bit more behind the thought than I've done in quite a few years. As mentioned in the last post, I internet-stalked Jared Leto pretty thoroughly, bordering on obsessive, although I'd never admit that in front of a jury.

This lead to me downloading and watching most of his movies (he hasn't made that many) and checking out his band 30 Seconds To Mars. They're good. Really good. Not all of it, but most of it. Kinda bummed I just missed their pretty mahoosive tour and didn't discover them like 5 years ago when they played tiny venues instead of arenas, but yeah, can't change that now. Listening to their music reminded me how much I love punk rock, which has now made it's way back on to my playlist. Heck, the fact that I've got a playlist again is pretty much due to my recent discovery of 30STM. I'm rather grateful for that.

Anyway, so I've googled Jared Leto loads, to get an idea of what he's like and what he's been up to. And yeah, pretty pictures there too, that man is shirtless like always. And he's got a penchant for wearing skirts. I like men in skirts. He's a sneaky bastard when it comes to his private life, not much to get out of interviews but can't really blame him for that. He does look cute while talking, though, and wow, that man's got a hell of a dirty mouth. According to certain websites he is kinky as fuck and hung like a horse (hey, not complaining about that thought at all), but that may be all lies. It's the internet, after all. And then, well, then I found the slash communities. I'm not proud of that and in my defense would like to state that I was shocked and appalled for a good few seconds, but fuck, some of the shit out there is awesome. I possibly spent every free minute in the last month or so reading smut. Good smut. Inspiring smut. Kinky smut (the best kind of smut). Did I mention smut? I like saying smut. Rolls of the tongue very smoothly.

Oh, now you really look worried. Honestly, I'm fine.
Are you googling Jared Leto now to see what I'm talking about?

My mind has descended into the gutter and is now totally refusing to come out because it likes it down there. I've got slash fics on my kindle (what better place to read porn than on the tube?) and even contemplated started writing some slash fiction of my own. Watch this space.
Actually, don't watch this space, I won't be posting slash here, but I can let you know where to find it if you ask nicely.

To even things out a bit and quieten down the voices in my head (not the bad kind of voices, mine usually don't tell me to kill people, they just talk on top of each other a lot and occasionally play music very loud), I've started going to Bikram Yoga again. Twice a week because anything more means I've got no private life. Can't believe how much I missed stretching and working out in an insanely hot and humid room. It makes my body break less and getting more flexible is never a bad thing. And yeah, my mind is calm for at least 60 of the 90 minutes, which is a plus.

I'm still working on letting the inner rock chick out, seem to be getting distracted by raves too much. There was an awesome one last weekend that I've only just recovered from (it was a pretty epic afterparty, too). But it's not forgotten.

There's some more stuff going on behind the scenes that's a bit too raw and/or top secret to talk about right now.

But yeah, I'm still alive and the men with the straight-jackets haven't got me (yet).

All's good.