An Unexpectedly Good Movie

Went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey last night. In the IMAX (although the one in Wimbledon, which is not quite as amazing as the one in South Bank but has the advantage of only being a lot closer to where I live), in 3D.

It was pretty, so fucking pretty. I might've squeed an awful lot.

The landscapes were amazing, the Elf city and the goblin underground city (I can't remember the names, I suck at names) had me breathless, they were so detailed. In terms of eyecandy, this film absolutely wins.

Yes, it was long. 169 minutes of foreplay. Almost 3 hours of build up to the sequels. My ass actually went numb.

But FUCK it was pretty.

I've read the book, it's much easier to get through than the bloody 3 book road movie that is Lord Of The Rings, but it's been a while and I don't remember much detail and from what I gather Peter Jackson also added details from other Tolkien books that I haven't read, so I can't comment on how close the film is sticking to any of that, but I don't care, really.

It was just a really nice movie. 4.5 out of 5 stars, my hobbitses.

In case you're wondering who I went with, I've been getting a bit closer to the downstairs neighbours. We went out for drinks this week which was unexpectedly good and then we decided to go watch The Hobbit. Since Babs went back to Germany I've lost my movie buddy, my flatmate is a bit useless when it comes to taste in films (chick flicks, anyone?), but the guys downstairs seem to be up and interested, which is great.

I did miss a booty call while in the movies, so while I saw a great film, I didn't get laid.

You win some, you loose some.

Don't Have A Llama

The subject's got nothing to do with anything you're going to read. Well, I possibly need a haircut, but that's all the relevance there is.

It's actually been almost a month (or 3 weeks or something) since my last post, that's a while, innit? I've been writing (2 stories published) and seem to be going through a phase of FUCK I CAN'T WRITE MY HEAD'S GONNA ASPLODE again right now, which is why I'm writing this and not smut. Hmmmm.

So, after all the amazingness of the gigs and coming out of the other end of the post-gig depression, mainly by perving over pretty inky boys on the interwebs and snuggling friends, and a bit of quiet time because fuck all was happening, it's gotten pretty busy again. It's that time of the year when my birthday happens, the first snow falls, Xmas parties let you see your colleagues in a way you really don't want to see them and of course, Christmas.

My birthday was a pretty quiet affair this year because the previous 2 years have been massive fails and a friend stole my birthday weekend anyway. So I just birthday bombed HIS birthday, which was a success. I even got a present (flow light poi, so excited) and obviously claimed ALL the hugs. I also got a little bit trashed, but not as epically as last month. I'm a grown-up now *cough* *cough*

Snow happened last week, too, and as expected TFL went belly up. They weren't even entirely sure why, the messages ranged from ice on the tracks to signal failures, which just goes to show how much havoc a bit of frozen water can cause.

The work Xmas do was ok, weak cocktails and bad music. I left when the DJ broke out Gangnam Style, I have standards.

Overall, the time since my last post has been a pretty happy one. My life keeps changing in unexpected ways and I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, so I keep making it up as I go along.

Some things don't change.

Standing With Your Spotlight On Me

This is the gig round-up, because there has been an awesome amount of amazing gigs in my life in the past 10 days.

To start things off, THE USED supporting Evanescence at Wembley Arena on 9th November. I've never been to Wembley Arena before, I don't particularly like big venues, but there's this band obsession I've got and well, the things you do for love. So, Wembley Arena. Fits 12,500, which sounds bigger than the arena looked, but I trust them on this. I went there straight after work, which meant I had plenty time to get there and get myself organized once I was there. What I didn't expect was to bump into Dan and some of his friends. Didn't change my time plan one bit, but made my night a lot more awesome because sharing the experience with others always makes it better. It also meant I had people to make fun of the support-support with and people to help me get to the front who were just as excited about the Used and as indifferent about Evanescence than I was. Unfortunately most people in the audience were there to watch Evanescence and while the Used were awesome and totally rocked it, the audience were dead on their feet. As in, not moving. We tried to get a mosh pit going but failed and got angry looks. But hey, we tried. I watched the first few songs of Evanescence and then decided that I don't like them and left.

I almost managed to meet up with Jay after the gig because he was working around Wembley, but time wasn't on our side and I had to leave before he finished work.

Got home, showered, slept, showered again and made my way to Wood Green and Ally Pally for WARPED TOUR UK. I was early, mainly because TFL lies and had told me it would take 2 hours to get there. It took about 1.15 and I actually got to Alexandra Palace half an hour before the doors opened. There was quite an impressive queue in front of the gate but it was moving, because they were checking bags and tickets already and herding the people to another area, which meant once doors opened we could just walk in. Once inside I dumped my stuff in the cloak room and ventured to the Merch area, which turned out to be an insanely smart move as for most of the rest of the day you had to queue for about an hour to get in there. I acquired a Used t-shirt and checked out the other stuff, then wandered off to check out the rest of the venue. Ally Pally fits about 10,000 people and it was sold out, which meant there were serious crowds going on. The queues everywhere, and the insanely rude and stressed security, were the only downsides (if quite big ones). You couldn't get to parts of the venue at times or had to queue for quite some time to get there, which sucked. The rest of the organization was pretty impressive for what I've seen in the UK so far. You got a running order booklet, the bands actually started on time, they had shuttle busses running to the station after the show. As for the line up, well, that was pretty fucking awesome. And yes, it did feature The Used as special guest secret headliners.

The Used were on in the early evening and the show started at 2pm, which meant I had loads of time to check out other bands. Let us explore:

Band that opened the main stage and did a really fucking awesome job at it:
The Story So Far (they're also masters in the moshing-with-our-backs-to-the audience category)

Band with a name that I'm not entirely sure about:
The IT Boys (still not sure what they were all about)

Band I missed because I got distracted by the skate ramp and food:
AWOLnation

Band with the worst fashion sense:
No, not the Used (for once), but Blood On The Dancefloor (a skeleton morph suit thing on a chubby guy is not a good look, also, what were you thinking with the facepaint? Not impressed by the music, either)

Band I accidentally really liked:
Man Overboard (they were good!) - missed Breathe Carolina because of them...

Band with the most deceptive name:
Architects (seriously, I was expecting fluffy electronica and they almost paralysed me with metal, not impressed - I went to watch skateboarders instead)

Band I only watched because I was getting myself in position for the Used, but who really rocked:
3OH!3 (ridiculous name, ridiculous tunes, but really fucking catchy - I danced)

Band I thought sounded familiar and ended up knowing most of the songs of:
New Found Glory (on the East Stage while I was squeezed in second row of the West Stage)

Band I came there to see and who absolutely fucking smashed it:
THE USED (we need to talk about their fashion sense at some point, really, we do)

I left the main stage(s) behind at this point because it was getting crowded and focussed my attention on the side stage to watch:

Band that had the audience going like a rocket and best stage banter:
Less Than Jake (so much fun)

Band I was excited about which didn't quite live up to it:
Bowling For Soup (they were still good, though)

Most surreal moment of the day:
sitting in the portaloo at the back of the main room while Lost Prophets launched into Last Train Home. The portaloo fucking shook! Almost panicked and probably never peed that fast in my life...

The main stage set up for Warped is great, basically the main stage is split in West and East and while a band is playing on one side, the band on the other side is setting up - which means there are almost no breaks! Awesome idea, wish more festivals would do this. Also, each band (except for the headlining headliners) only gets 30 minutes, which means they all give their best to kill you.

Overall, I really enjoyed Warped and will return next year if the line up is as good as this year. Would be nice if they find a better venue than Ally Pally, though...

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the main event in the smallest venue so far:

THE USED in the Luxor in Koeln. I knew the venue from the time I lived in Cologne, it's absolutely tiny (500 capacity, fuck yeah) and not only did it  mean I would see the Used up close and kinda personal, I also managed to meet up with a lovely friend of mine. The gig was the best so far, the Used seemed to really enjoy the small venue and I got to touch Bert... it's hard to describe the awesomeness, so here's a picture:

Yes, that mic is Jepha's and I was standing right in front of him. He's even cuter up close...

I'm now in the throes of a massive post-gig depression. I NEED MORE THE USED!!!!
(I might get it, there was mention of a headlining tour next year, yay!)

I also got a cold.

Send pretty inky boys to my rescue...

The Sharpest Lives

So, there was a party in my block of flats last night, a proper BLOCK party at that. The occasion was Guy Fawkes day, there wasn't a bonfire but a shitload of fireworks and every single flat in the house (9 in total) had people over for a get-together. I'd only managed to get one of my friends down, but flatmate had a few local friends over, there was booze and food and even some poi spinning because that just seems to happen when I'm involved. Ended up crashing the downstairs neighbours party after midnight and proceeded to get quite drunk and stumble back into my own flat around 3am. I'm a tad hungover today, the second time this week which seeing that I don't really drink that often (which means if I do I get drunk really fucking fast) is a bit of a record.

I went to see The Fields Of The Nephilim on Wednesday with Kenneth. Now, I've tried being a goth for about 3 months when I was 15 and mainly because I had a crush on the token goth in my year. It wasn't a particularly successful endeavour because I'm generally a pretty happy person and while I do like wearing black, I'm useless at doing elaborate make-up and like my music hard and fast (that actually hasn't changed that much over the years). I encountered the Nephilim a few times in my gigging life, though, mainly a supports for bands I was following or at festivals. To cut it short, I only really know one song (Moonchild, a true goth marvel) but thought I'd tag along for good ol' times sake and to potentially laugh at some goths. It started out with a few drinks in the pub because we decided that we don't need to see the support act and went on with more drinks at the venue. By the time Nephilim came on I was just a little bit shitfaced and probably giggling way to much to pull off any remaining goth-ness, but seeing that we were on level 3 (I didn't even know it existed) of the Shepherd's Bush Empire that didn't matter too much. It actually was a pretty good gig, there were attempts at moshing which deserve kudos for dedication to the cause because the music is not really fast enough to pull off proper moshing and Nephilim were solid in terms of sound. What made it awesome was watching my friend, a closet Nephilim fan for most his life, get into the music. He was air-drumming! And singing along! I was impressed and seeing him so excited made me go all excited. It was really, really good.

Work the next wasn't all that great, I'm not used to being that kind of hung over but managed to pull through.

I'm now gearing up for THE USED and WARPED (very, very, very likely including THE USED) next weekend, which will be beyond awesome (I hope. I'm pretty certain it will be.)

Oh, and I've published a story again! The crazies are somewhat coming back, huzzah! Unfortunately it wasn't one of the ones on my WIP list, NO, I had to go adopt a stray bunny from a newly discovered community, but I wrote the shit in two days and I'm finally making progress with teh words in some of the WIPs now.

Did I mention I'm excited about next weekend? Did I?

IMGOINGTOSEETHEFUCKINGUSED!!!!!

Here, have a picture:

*squeeeeeee*

Little Things

So, I went out last weekend. And it was a whole lot of fun and got a bit messy. Ok, it did get really messy, but in an entirely good way. I didn't get laid, but I had an awesome time hanging out with my friends, got loads of cuddles and accidentally managed to get insanely stoned. Well, maybe not that accidentally, I did eat the weed brownies after all, I just didn't expect them to be that strong. Cue epic trashedness and subsequently a rather scenic trip home (I thought I'd sobered up, turned out I was wrong). Good times, anyway.

Unsurprisingly, this week was a bit slow, but not as bad as expected. I'm being insanely good this weekend, mainly because nothing's happening anywhere. There may be shenanigans next week, so I'm saving my energy.

Writing's still going slow and it's still driving me mad. If there's a way to induce a manic episode I haven't found it yet, which is woeful. I get the occasional glimpse of greatness, thoughts flowing like they used to, and then it stops again. The words come out all wrong, even though the movie in my head is there. Not sure how people ever manage to write books, but maybe they don't have my head. Ok, they most certainly don't have my head because otherwise there would be a lot more well written pornography around.

It's 3 weeks to The Used and Warped, and currently it looks like that weekend will be made even sweeter by a friend from Canada coming to visit. And then I'm going to Germany to see The Used AGAIN and then winter's coming and we're all doomed.

I need a holiday.

No Use For A Title

I wish my head would stop feeling like a clogged up sink. There's all these thoughts that could become stories if I'd only managed to get the movie in my head transformed into words that are more than a quick outline. It's so annoying, but I just can't find a way to make the words flow easily again.

Not sure if it's got anything to do with what my life is doing at the moment, I'm kinda busy at work and occasionally stressed at home, mainly due to the fact that my flatmate's boyfriend lover fuckbuddy keeps hanging out at ours because he lives in a fucking hostel and of course our flat's nicer and she's crazy/in love enough with him that she's happy about it. I know it's bad and I shouldn't even think it, but I really wish they'd stop seeing each other. I can't even explain why I don't like him, I see him and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I just want to leave the room. Which is what I did last weekend when they joined me in the living room. They didn't get the hint. I've now taken to blatantly tell my flatmate that she should keep him the fuck away from me, but our flat is small and just his presence is pissing me off. They're loud and even though I try to blank it out as much as possible, but I can still hear him spouting bullshit and her giggling because she believes him. Argh.

A propos spouting bullshit, the guy that's been chasing me for months now (because until a few weeks ago he was married and I've got principles and I wasn't that insanely interested in the first place) came over last weekend after a spontaneous texting session and me being horny enough to consider it. I'd like to say the build-up lived up to reality, but unfortunately it really didn't. He's pretty 'n all, but he's so full of himself it's almost funny (if it wasn't so sad) and I'm convinced he actually thinks I believed a word he was saying. Needless to say, the sex was rather unimpressive but it was sex and I needed to get laid, so there's that. He gets a point for persistence but unfortunately zero points for personality or performance. Won't be calling him again, then.

On a more cheerful note and decidedly better on the sexytimes scales was a text message exchange with a lovely and very sexy friend of mine. Not only was it an awesome distraction at work today, it was also very inspirational in terms of writing and so very very HOT (at one point I had to escape to the toilet because ohmyfuckinggod I needed to catch my breath). I need more texts and friends like that, my life would be perfect.

While I haven't been writing an awful lot, I have been trailing the interwebs for stuff to read. It's kinda comforting that there's a lot of really not that great fic around, which makes me feel better about being a perfectionist and the feedback I get, but it's also annoying because I need nice stories to keep me distracted. It's so weird that I have been reading constantly for months now, but haven't bought a book for just as long. I'm tempted to get some literature on my kindle soon, but I fear I'll be endlessly disappointed that there's not sex in the story.

Other noteworthy things that happened:

• A Burning Man planning session, it's looking good but it's still so far away that all kinds of shit can happen, so I'm trying to not get too excited *is excited*
• I've met a friend's new bf and he's nice and I can see that he's really good for her. I wish I could find someone that I can fall in love with that also falls in love with me, I don't know how other people do it.
• I seem to have agreed to accompany a friend to a Fields Of The Nephilim gig in a fit of madness. Bring on the goth!
• My excitement that I'm going to see The Used at least twice (most likely 3 times) in November knows no boundaries *is extremely excited, even more than for Burning Man because it's next month and not next year*

Catch! Up!

I've been living in my head quite a bit in the last few weeks. I usually have AWESOME ideas for blog posts when I'm in bed and trying to go to sleep, but they're usually gone in the morning. I probably should just write them down, I've got a writing pad near my bed in case a story hits me, because stories are way more annoying than ideas and thoughts and THEY DON'T GO AWAY until I write them down. Hasn't happened for a while, unfortunately, but it could any minute which is why I also lug a writing pad around in my backpack when I'm on the train because rolling a story around in your head for an hour is really exhausting.

But I think a catch up is in order, because I've actually done stuff in the last few weeks that was pretty cool.

Like going to the Hide & Seek Weekender in the Royal Festival Hall. I've tried to drag friends along but they were their usual flaky selves, so I just went on my own. I unintentionally arrived when they had just started, so I got to take advantage of not having to battle to get into a game. Played Killer Queen, which was a lot like capture the flag but not, with food (balls), swords (for sending people back to their base), a bomb (which you could use to blow up your opponents base) and a queen (with 3 crowns, aka 3 lives). It was awesome and a pretty good workout as it involved frantic running around to grab food, kill people and drag that bloody bomb along. I then waited around for half an hour, catching my breath, and got to play Alien Encounter where I was a monster looking for food and trying not to get killed by the agents. Also got to play Searchlight, which was totally rad. I didn't get to punch the custard (was just what it said on the tin) because there was a queue and I was hungry. So, yeah, really good afternoon, although I've got the feeling that the Hide & Seek guys are going to go back to doing evenings as they were slightly pissed off about all the parents dumping their children at the games.

Then there was Beardyman, who done a gig at the Koko last Saturday. I was a bit surprised to see it went from 9pm to 3am, because that's a fucking awkward time frame for a gig, but bought a ticket anyway and then proceeded to try and convinced people to come along. Managed to talk my flatmate into it (by showing her loads of Beardyman stuff on youtube) and we rocked up at Koko at 10pm. It was no re-entry, which is always a bit shit, and it was even worse when we saw the running order. For reasons unknown to mankind, Beardyman was on last at 1.30am. He had 2 DJs and one DJ crew supporting, which could have been fun but wasn't really because they weren't all that great. But, hey, my flatmate was buying me drinks and there were guys to look at (even though I didn't want to take any of them home) and Beardyman was actually pretty cool. Judging by his facebook page some people were annoyed that he didn't do more beatboxing and/or stand up, but it was a club gig and he usually does sounds & looping stuff when he does those, so I was pretty ok with what surfaced. Could've done with it not going all that late because by the end I was somewhat tired (and a bit tipsy, I'm a total lightweight). Flatmate fell asleep on me on the nightbus, but all in all it wasn't too bad getting home (1 hour and 2 busses, which is pretty good for London standards).

I also caught up with Cherelle and got the latest on her new boyfriend. Haven't met him yet, but will next weekend. The boy might be useful and Cherelle is happy and all is good.

Last night I went to South Bank for a friend's birthday. He doesn't run with my usual crowd, so I got to chat with loads of people I don't hang out with that often which was cool. We went for dinner at Ping Pong and I can confirm that I still don't particularly like dim sum. I just don't see the point of sticky dumplings that aren't seasoned well enough. Give me sushi any time, but drop the fucking dumpling.

Coming up is a Burning Man planning session (second attempt) and a long weekend without the flatmate. I've got Friday off because I had to use the day or lose it (I'm NOT losing any holiday, fuck no) but no plans. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied, tho. I always do.

Madly, Deeply

So, THE USED are touring again. There still hasn't been an announcement regarding a possible appearance at Warped, and while there is an ominous 2 day gap in their schedule between their support gig at Wembley and a show in Utrecht the closer it gets to November, the less likely it is that they'll join Warped.

I've kinda solved the problem by buying a ticket for their show in Cologne. This might sound crazy unless you know that I'm in fact German, have lived in Cologne for 5 years and my parents live only 45 mins drive away. The gig's on a Thursday, which means I can fly out on Wednesday evening after work, hijack my mum's car the next day to go to Cologne (unless I manage to convince a friend to come along & drive), possibly meet up with a friend in Cologne before rocking the fuck out to The Used playing a rather small venue. AND I get a long weekend with my parents before Christmas, which means they can't complain they never see me and I can chill. I'm insanely happy about all of this and it's probably the fastest I've ever booked flights. The whole deal was sealed in less than an hour and I'm the QUEEN of procrastination.

In a bout of madness I've also got myself a ticket for that Evanescence gig The Used are supporting/special guesting. I can always fuck off after they're done and I just need to see them goddamnit. I'll still go to Warped, The Used or not, because of pretty skater bois and some decent punk bands on the line up.

\m/

In regards to music, I've found myself branching out a little after bingeing on The Used for, like, evar. Again, thanks to fanfic pointing me in the right direction (it's probably safe to say by now that Fanfic not quite saved my life but certainly made it a lot more awesome), I've started crushing on My Chemical Romance. Just a little, nothing compared to my infatuation with The Used.

There is music that's like an acquaintance, someone you meet at a party now and again and it's nice chatting to them and maybe have a boogie, but it's pretty much take it or leave it, no harsh feelings if you don't call the next day and don't meet up for a month or two.

Then there's music that's like your best friend (quite possibly the one with benefits) or a really good hug, or a best friend that gives really good hugs (and occasionally fucks you, just sayin'). You can wrap it around you like a blanket when you feel bad and it'll keep you warm. At the moment, My Chemical Romance's The Kid's From Yesterday or The Used's On My Own do that to me. They make my brain purr and my eyes cross and shivers run down my spine.

And then there's music that grabs you, smashes you against the wall and fucks you hard and fast and leaves you bruised, sore and breathless and you can't wait to do it again, and again, and again. Soundeffects & Overdramatics from The Used is like that and Vampire Money from My Chemical Romance.

Needless to say, the last two are the ones you want in your life and I'm really fucking glad I finally have them back. I missed them so much!

Oh, and talking about fanfic, I've finished another story. None of the ones I should be finishing because that would just be too easy, no, I spontaneously wrote a new one and because that one had a deadline of today I actually got my shit together and got it out just in time. There's 5 fic hanging about that need to be done by end of this year, well, ideally I should write another 5 because the first 5 are for a bingo challenge and I kinda want to gather a few more points. Obviously, I have to get the first bingo done before I can start on the next.

The crazyness monkeys still haven't visited my tree, which is sad. I get the occasional glimpse and then they're gone again and it's driving me mad, but not in the desired way. I'm hoping that going out will kickstart things again, I've got parties and gigs lined up. I might have to recruit a new lover or two, because the young one is getting a bit boring and currently wants to talk more than he wants to fuck and I'm not that interested in talking, really. Well, no one expected this to last, and I'm pretty sure there's more prettiness to be found elsewhere...

Black Holes & Revelations

I'm at home & I'm bored. Don't really feel like going out, but could be sociable if anyone was around to be sociable with. There's obviously stuff I could do, like sort out my wardrobe because I have the suspicion that there are clothes lurking in the back of it that I've totally forgotten about. It's also getting kinda full and I keep wearing the same things over & over again, which probably means there's stuff I could give away to make space for new stuff I could buy. So far I've quite successfully sat on the sofa all day, Kerrang TV in the background and my computer on my lap.

There's writing to be done, the amount of WIPs on my computer is growing, I've written rough outlines for 2 fics this week and just can't get myself to prod & poke them enough to make them pretty & publishable. I seem to  have gone from 'oh my god I have to write or my head explodes' to 'yeah, I really want to write and  I'm enjoying it' which I guess is a better place to work from. It's also slightly less fun, I very much enjoyed the blind necessity to get ideas out of my head, the frantic pace I could write have, but I have to acknowledge that my writing probably is better now that I have more peace to think about it.

Nevertheless, I really, REALLY miss the crazies I had earlier this year. It was stressful at times, but also a lot of fun. I feel almost grounded now but all I want is the manic back. I want to be crazy again. It doesn't look like it's anything I can bring on myself, can't do it on purpose, which sucks. Can I please be crazy again now?

Last weekend was a little bit of a clusterfuck. I didn't end up going to the wedding with the young one because of short notice and the bride freaking out. I did see him inbetween coming back from his adventures in Africa and the weekend, although no sexytimes did happen because he wanted to talk. Srsly, why? There has been more sex since then, but he's managed to break himself so bad last weekend that he's out of commission for this weekend. I'm not entirely pleased with this, but on the other hand my body isn't cooperating at the moment (as in, my period's been trying to start for three days now and I don't exactly feel like company). I did get to see Jay last weekend, which was all kinds of awesome and I also made it into town for a bit of shopping. Not all was lost, you see.

I've called an old friend of mine last weekend, too, and we had a really good chat. This, and for some reason talking to the young one, has caused a bit of reflection to happen. Which was totally unexpected, but for once it actually made me feel better about myself.

One thing I realized was that I really don't want to have children. Not sure if I ever wanted them, to be honest. I've always said that I would have the child if I got pregnant (and I still stand by that, although it's getting more and more unlikely), but it's never been anything that I've actively tried/risked to make happen. I got extremely broody in my early 30s, but even then it was more 'hey, let's see what my body can do' or 'nice excuse to get fat', not 'omg, I need a child in my life to feel complete'. I can't see children in my life as it is at the moment and it's unlikely that my life's gonna change in the near future, because I like my life as it is.
Another thing is that, unlike other most people, I never had any desire to live with my partner (when I had one). I don't even particularly like sharing a bed. I like sleeping alone. I've always liked sleeping alone, my ideal situation would I ever end up living with a partner would be separate bedrooms. Hell, if I had my way we'd have separate flats next to each other. I can deal with a person next to me in bed occasionally, but it's nothing I'd want on a regular basis.
I'm still mulling over what my ideal relationship constellation would be like. I don't think I'm entirely polyamorous, I'm too jealous and possessive for that, I need to know that a person is mine. But I'm also more and more realizing that it's rather unlikely that there is one person that can give me all I need. Not sure I'd want one person to give me all I need, I kinda like the idea to have different people for different things. At the moment it's nothing I have to think about further because I don't have a relationship, but the way things are developing it's probably going to be some sort of primary relationship/secondary relationship(s) or open relationship in some form or other situation that I'd settle for. I have been completely monogamous before and can do it, I'm just not sure if I'd want to anymore.
I want someone (or a few people, not ruling that out yet) to share my life with, I'm happier if I've got someone. I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

So, yeah, I'm different. I'm seriously lacking role models. There'll be loads of shit to sort out should I ever find someone to fall in love with again. But maybe knowing what I want and what I'd like my partner to want will make it a bit easier to find that person.

It's Oh So Quiet...

I've got a really bad case of writer's block. Which happened just as I've signed up for a fic bingo and found a new community to write for. Obviously. My head has gone quiet (well, relatively speaking, it's only one or two voices talking now and they're not telling me stories), after being noisy as fuck since beginning of this year.

This. Is. Not. Fair.

I'm getting good feedback for the stuff I've written so far which is still making me insanely happy. It also makes me want to write more, but yeah, the head is not cooperating at the moment. I'm trying to distract myself by going out and doing things and reading a lot. Well, reading even more than usual.

I've taken my new hoop out for a spin this weekend, first to a spin/hoop jam in Richmond Park which was more of a walk around the countryside for an hour (Richmond Park is fucking huge and not all that pretty, really), then finally finding hoopy people, realizing it's just a bit too windy to spin poi or hoop properly, meeting more hoopy people and making arrangements to organize a hoop jam somewhere that doesn't involve trekking through the vegetation for hours and getting insanely lost on the way back to civilization again. I did get some exercise, though. On Sunday I decided to give in to the lazies and stayed close to home, thereby providing an hour of entertainment for my block of flats. Children love me, apparently. Especially if I have spinny things, which is no surprise, because they're pretty. Still suck at hooping, but not as much as before.

In terms of male entertainment there hasn't been any so far. The inappropriate funs mentioned previously chickened out (and hopefully gives up chasing me now) and I had my period last weekend which kinda ruled out finding other man sized fun. It also would have involved making myself look pretty and going out which I wasn't up to. I'm hoping to hook up with a very lovely person next weekend and I somehow have managed to get myself a date (shock, horror, I know) for tomorrow. He looks ok and seems nice, I'm totally not sure if I'm interested at all, but he lives/works on my way home which greatly appeals to my laziness. So I thought why not? and there were go.

On related news, the young one is coming back on Monday, I somewhat miss him and very much look forward to dragging him into my bed again soon...

Now if I could just kick my head out of it's stupor and back into talking to me, all would be fine.

Hold On Tight & Don't Look Back

Is it really August already? The weather doesn't look like it at all...


The Olympics started last week Friday with a massive opening ceremony, all British pride'n stuff. I only watched parts of it, because there were distractions provided along the way and I got distracted. The young one came over, we cooked, thereby missing the start of the spectacle, then there was a mission to find jellysnakes (which apparently are beyond awesome dipped in chocolate) a bit later, another mission for other stuff a lot more later, random fireworks outside that were more interesting than the athletes marching in and sex, which was even more interesting. After that we decided we couldn't be bothered to go back to the lounge and watched Lord Of War. The man ran off again in the morning (he seems to have some kind of problem with staying for breakfast) because he was going on holiday the day after and he had stuff to do. Which is understandable. Judging by his FB updates he's having quite a bit of fun at the moment without me, featuring "gorgeous girls and a cool guy" and I'm trying not to be jealous which is going reasonably well. We've never discussed the whole exclusivity thing and I honestly don't know if I'd want it, but reading about him having fun and not having as much funs myself is annoying. Not that I'm not planning on having fun, there might be some potentially pretty inappropriate fun this weekend and I've got more interesting things lined up.


I'm just greedy, really. I want ALL the funs.


So, update on the things on my "what would make life more awesome list": There's been a stand-off between the landlord and us in our living room which we won (hooray!) and he's now agreed to meet us halfway in terms of rent increase (+£50 a month) and I think I've already mentioned the salary increase. No sign of the young one stepping up his chasing of me if he's hanging out with girls & guys on holiday, but I sort of got an invitation to come along to a wedding with him. Need to follow up on that one when he gets back because I need to know the terms (i.e. I want public cuddles and kisses) before I commit to camping in the countryside for a weekend.


On other notes regarding why my life really doesn't suck right now: I got paid for a focus group that I didn't even have to show up to, I'm now the proud owner of a travel hoop that I probably should learn how to spin, I still very much enjoy writing and continue to get hits/kudos/comments on it.


I'm not quite as manically happy as I was last week, but that could be hormones (PMS, I'm looking at you) and I'm still on a reasonably high level of happiness even now. I'm slowly feeling the urge to go on holiday again, not at all helped by Burning Man drawing closer and me missing the playa like mad. I should be saving monies for next year, but I want to go away and see stuff and do exciting things NOW.


In summary, all is well but I'm impatient. Some things just don't change.

And I'll Savor Every Moment Of It

This winning at life thing we were talking about recently? I'm still doing it. Quite a lot.

I'm also still very much not over The Used. Every time I go on the internet to do things, I somehow seem to end up either looking for fic or picspam and getting distracted. I've pretty much found all the good fic that's out there by now (I think, please wait a moment while I have another look...) and seen most of the pictures. Still can't stop. I'm just a teeny bit obsessed. The Used are doing a tour with Evanescence this autumn, playing Wembley Arena. I'm so tempted to get a ticket, because I need to see them again, but I don't want to fork out big money to only see them play a support set and I don't like big venues. Really don't like big venues. So I'm currently crossing all appendages and checking twitter/googling like mad because I'm hoping they'll play Warped which is happening only a day after the Wembley gig. It is a match made in heaven and I'd much rather go to Warped and see loads of punk bands and watch skaters than see Evanescence...

Writer's block is happening and not going away. I've faffed around with my works in progress (aka the WIPs), but they're not pretty enough to publish yet. I'm getting a bit annoyed with myself. The communities I write for have gone into summer holiday mode, which means no prompts and goddamn it, I NEED MORE PROMPTS to distract me from the stuff that just doesn't want to get written. On a related note, I've published my stuff on AO3 now, which isn't locked and I'm getting hits and even had a few kudos and I'm thrilled. People actually read and like my stories, although I'm far from getting the attention that some of the established writers get (and to be honest, some of them are way better than me).

Ok, enough with this, here's my latest week:

Not much happened from Monday to Thursday, apart from a phone call from a research agency and an invitation to take part in a focus group next week. I'm only doing this for the money, really, and it's quite good money. There also was a leaving do from our student placement and while I don't enjoy hanging out with my colleagues after work (I see them for long enough at work, don't have any desire to spend free time with them), it was rather pleasant.

The young & pretty one came over on Friday and passed out on my bed 2 hours later (after we fucked, and no, I didn't break him, he was just tired, honest!). There were some sexytimes when he woke up in the morning, but no hanging out in bed all day because he had to go and organize a stag do. Spent the day pottering about and the evening doing mostly nothing. It was great. The plan for today was to head over to Camden and buy a hoop, but then the sun came out and the neighbours were getting the bbq ready and I thought I'd just go for a quick spin in the garden. Ended up hanging out with half the house, getting everyone to spin poi, ate tasty foods and got a teeny bit stoned. My poi hooping is improving very slowly, it's really different from spinning poi (because, well, it's hoops and they obviously don't spin like balls on strings) but a lot of fun and it looks pretty. Quite a win of a day. Again.

Things that could improve my winning even further: The landlord agreeing to our suggestion to only raise the rent by £50 (or not at all) and us continuing to be nice tentants, the young & pretty one chasing me a bit more, my manager realising how awesome I am and giving me more money (edit on Monday: salary went up by inflation, at least). Not sure how realistic all of that is, but one can hope.

*hopes*

So Here I Am, It's In My Hands

instagram/virtualjepha

Looking back at some of my blog posts from last year or so, I can't believe I'd ever say this, but I'm actually having a really good time at the moment. There's still a lot of things that suck, like not getting a bonus at work and the prospects of ever getting promoted pretty minuscule, and our landlord having delusions of grandeur and wanting more rent, or the fact the summer seems to not be happening this year on this fucking island.

But I can deal with that. If I really wanted to, I could actually change most of the stuff that's slightly annoying at the moment (except for the weather, that unfortunately is completely out of my control). I could change jobs (I'm looking at options, but I don't actually want to leave), I could look for a new place to live (although likelihood of another mental landlord is quite high, so we might just stick with the known evil), it's in my hands if I really want it.

And it seems to be that the whole love business is somewhat under control as well. As expected it all started happening when I stopped trying to make it happen and just went with it, and I'm still pretty much going with it because I'm not entirely sure what I want but I'm rather sure that if I start pushing it'll all turn against me in a second. And it's not going too bad right now.

Monday to Thursday were uneventful, need to work on my weekday excitement a bit more. Friday was the day of my annual work party, or The Fest, which I mainly attended because the pretty colleague's band (the colleague that I'm still fantasizing about shagging me in a storage closet at work) was opening on the main stage and because we get free food. The band turned out to be kinda crap, I don't particularly believe in bands with keyboarders and the singer had no stage presence whatsoever, and the food was just as naff as expected and then it started to rain and I went home. Saturday started with a nice long lie in, then a lot of faffing about and then the pretty boy came over and we watched movies and had sex. Not amazing amounts of sex because I was minutes away from starting my period and that's about the only time in the month when I'm not insanely horny, but there were loads of cuddles and skin and it was all good. He stayed over and there was more cuddling in the morning (because, um, sex at that point would have been too messy). I thought that I'd probably spent the day being lazy but then got a text from a friend (that I might've shagged earlier this year) wanting to go for lunch and hang out and who am I to say no. So we met up and spent a lovely day eating pizza and walking around the Wimbledon Common and drinking wine and chatting.

I really like when weekends go like that.

The pretty boy is going away to Africa for 3 weeks to teach and is busy next weekend, which means I most likely won't see him for a good while (woe!), so I'll have to distract myself otherwise. Sure I'll find a way.

I'm still writing and reading slash, struggling a bit with the writing because the stories I'm working on are being bitchy and big and at least one involves kink and I don't want to mess it up. I've stumbled upon a collection of really good kinky slash a day or so ago, I'm still in awe how good the writer puts it into words and how much it helps me define what I want and need and look for. I've probably discovered a new kink or two in the process and actually had to come up with the definition of theoretical kinks (things that I like to read, to write, but am not keen on actually putting into practice) in relation to practical kinks (things that I like to read, to write AND love to experience).

The upcoming weeks look rather empty at the moment, I should schedule a bit of culture methinks. And more writing.

Post title taken from "The Taste Of Ink" by The Used, which is awesome and everyone should listen to. Now.

3-2-1, We Came To Fuck

What do you mean, subtle? This is me being subtle...

After getting over that whole what-the-fuck-have-I-done-to-myself after Glade, I obviously had to go and be silly again. In slightly different ways this time, because we don't want my life to get boring, do we?

I started off the weekend with Bab's leaving drinks, socializing with the adults which was nice but boring.

Saturday (last week Saturday, I'm about 7 days behind in my reporting here) the flatmate and I got ourselves ready for Imaginarium. It was the third time they put it on and while the first time had been slightly oversold on expectations (but still good enough for me to go back) and the seconds time had been pretty awesome, it wasn't third time lucky for them. The people were a tad more creepy than they'd been last time and the music was simply shite.

But

I pulled. To be more precise, I pulled even before getting to the club. As in, on the way there. Which is, even for me, pretty fucking amazing and hasn't been done before. My awesomeness knows no boundaries (well, it probably does, but not that night). We flirted for most of the night and then we taxied to an afterparty hosted by his friends, who were lovely and I can't believe I haven't met them before because we go to the same clubs and know the same people. Our hosts started to flake in the later hours of the morning, so it seemed sensible to go to mine and continue the party, maybe even add in some sex. Which we did, and it was really good.

He came over to mine again on Monday, because I had the day off and he works in Wimbledon. I might've gone to meet up with Babs for dinner unwashed and smelling of sex. Don't think anyone noticed. He came over to mine again on Friday. It's actually quite nice hanging out with him.

Unfortunately, there is a downside. Well, not a downside as such, more of a thing that's hard to ignore.

He's 17 years younger than me. Yeah, really. I managed to pull someone that much younger than me, and he didn't freak out and I didn't freak out. My friends high-fived me for my achievement at last night's party, so clearly no-one's freaking out over there, either. I don't know were it'll go, I assume at some point there will be issues because I am aware that it's a huge age gap and if I'd been really stupid and had lost my virginity a lot earlier than I have, he could be my son (talking about freaky here). But he's cute, and actually rather good in bed, especially for someone his age and even compared to some guys quite a bit older than he is. And he sure is enthusiastic and springy as fuck.

So I'm playing this by ear.

Talking about last night's party, where there wasn't any hooking-up although there might've been a bit of groping from a certain older gentleman that I'm insanely fond of, it was pretty cool. It was a friend's birthday party and he's mastered the art of making instant icecream using dry ice and interesting flavour combinations. My favourite was popcorn, followed by soy coconut (a bit like blowing a bounty bar) and in terms of weird combo's, roquefort and honey totally hit the mark. Wasn't particularly thrilled about the egg & bacon or the gin & tonic one, but other people approved. Had a really good time, talked to loads of people I didn't know and went home at a sensible time when the trains were still running.

I'm currently ignoring that I should cook lunch for tomorrow, I've bought all the stuffs for it but just can't be arsed, which means I'm going to the canteen tomorrow and got no one to blame for it but me. I've practised some poi today, in between torrential downpours of rain, and also started working on my poi hooping skills, which are still rather rudimentary.

I'm actually curious to know what I'll get up to next.

Not Much Mud & Shiny Things In The Forest

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the GLADE write-up. It's almost a week late because I've done things that fucked with my brain chemistry and I've been a mopey little bitch for the majority of this week.I might've almost cried over pictures of cute kittens. Also, my head was full of cotton wool. Not good for thinking at all.  Really, just fuck this shit.

Anyway, it was a glorious Glade. Despite all my concerns, or maybe because I really didn't have any expectations for it to be epic at all. Which usually means there's a real potential for it to be epic, because epic just happens like that. Oh, and the weather was actually quite alright. No rain, although there was a bit of mud around due to previous rain, and it was a bit windy at times and not really that warm. But there was sun and it was dry and everything else could be taken care of with warm clothes and Docs.

Day 1, which wasn't day 1 of the festie, just the pre-festie day I had off work. I would've gone up to Norfolk on Thursday (<- day 1), but then the weather forecast was all rain and shit and I didn't want to. Also, the friend I was giving a ride was being unorganized and flaky and had totally forgotten that Glade was happening and subsequently not booked holidays. So all I did on Thursday was go to Enterprise in Wimbledon Park to pick up the rental car. I had booked the cheapest, i.e. smallest car, they had because initially I thought it was just me driving up (as friend was being undecided) and usually they upgrade you anyway because they never actually have the smallest car in stock. Only, this time they had. There were attempts to give me the next level up (a Corsa), but that would've cost £5 per day extra and I wasn't ready to do that. So I ended up with a Chevy Spark, aka tiniest car evar. Refused to pay any extra insurance and stuff and after what felt like an hour I finally drove the car off the premises. Surprised myself by actually keeping to the left side of the road straight away and then proceeded to get lost and stall the car like a million times because the 1st gear was slightly more to the left than I felt it should be and I'm not really used to shifting with my left hand. Made it home without any major embarrassments, parked the car behind our house (always thought that the parking space that comes with our flat would come in handy sometime), wrestled with the back seats in a quest to create more trunk space and started to pack.

Day 2, which was officially the start of the festival adventure, began with me waking up at 8.30am, having a nice long shower (because there wouldn't be any for the next 2 days), hauling all my shit into the car and getting on the road at 10am. Ish. Discovered that the time calculations on Google Maps really don't take London traffic into account, which didn't matter so much because my friend wasn't ready when I got to his place anyway. There was a large amount of faffing and me making approving noises to things he suggested packing. There also was a quite impressive downpour when we finally set off towards the M25 with detour via the post office to pick up his ticket. It took absolutely forever to get out of London but once we'd left the force field all went smoothly. I still think the sat nav was slightly taking the piss in regards to what it tried to pass off as roads once we got closer to the venue and the sign-posting to the festival was the worst I've ever witnessed, but we made it. All the way to the path up to the box office. And then we waited. And waited. The festival in plain sight, but the queue not moving. For about an hour. Turned out they'd had a power cut and couldn't issue tickets for those who only had codes, which wouldn't have affected us because we had actual tickets, but because there was only one lane we all had to suffer. Thank you so much, code-only people. Parked the car around 5pm, discovered that mobile reception was patchy, cursed a lot, then send a text to my friends in the hope they'd get it, shouldered the first load of stuff (tent, a few bags) and wandered towards the gate. Got through the gate without getting searched because I simply ambled past the people getting searched and then waited for my friends to show up. And they actually did!!! Cue massive sigh of relief, quite a bit of hugging and a not so long walk to our campsite. Set up my tent with the help of a rather drunk Rach (who giggled a lot and helped a little), carefully pegged and guyed it down because it was windy and I'm a bit OCD when it comes to setting up tents, then trekked to the car again to get the rest of my gear, which I lovingly distributed evenly around the inside of my tent because if I can't find shit, thieves can't find shit. So far, this approach has worked extremely well.

This, by the way, is where the fun starts.

Once set up I declared myself in need of a cider, to calm down and get into the spirit of things, y'know, so I wandered over to my friend who I knew was in possession of a 4pack of apple alcohol and blagged a can. Proceeded to get really rather tipsy, remembered to eat something (there has been an incident involving honey wine where I forgot to do that - I don't recall much of the night but have been told I had fun) before moving on to another can of cider. The following occurrences are probably not quite in the order in which they happened. Things are slightly fuzzy around the edges. I made friends with people at the Origin stage (this may or may not have been facilitated by the fact that I was really pretty drunk). I then made more friends with poi. PSYTRANCE happened. Someone gave me something starting with the letter M. It combined really well with the cider. At some point I might've dissolved into a puddle of giggles. Met Kevin and went on expeditions, featuring a fox maze and yellow balloons, a sisha, a very shiny thing in the woods (I think there's a video of me going "yay, shiny" running through it on someones phone), more Psytrance and tequila (yay, tequila!). At no point did I faceplant into the mud, which I count as a success. More expeditions ensued, we went to the Rabbit Hole and through the rabbit hole, saw the toilets in the fog and danced below the alien spaceship. I loved life, just for a moment, and giggled about being a filthy hippie. The sun started to rise, I ended up in Kevin's tent (but nothing happened), then decided it was time to find my own tent and attempt sleep.


Day 3, which started with me waking up around 10am and thinking that's way too early. Poking sleep some more, then giving up, getting dressed and venture out to find food. And tea. The world instantly looked nicer after I had a cup of Chai. Watched a few awesome Dance Offs, involving dangerously good moves and nudity. I totally approved. There was more Psy Trance, poi and drum'n bass. Made a tasty, but messy food choice before proceeding to get wasted again. Entirely unplanned. For some reason people just wanted to give me, y'know, that stuff. I find that happens quite a lot. No, I'm not complaining. Also tried something a tad more experimental. Things get really blurry from there onwards. There was a lot of dancing and following Daryll and Nige around. A lot of dancing. More of that stuff. Also, a ride on a ferris wheel. More rabbit holing. Walks through the woods. Probably more dancing. Losing track of time, space and where the fuck I am. And not caring the slightest bit, although being slightly worried that I also lose people, which would've been unfortunate and didn't happen. And then I had to admit to myself that I couldn't dance anymore and wanted my tent, I think that was around sunrise.


Day 4, where I woke up around 1pm after a really nice sleep. Sourced breakfast (veggie bacon sandwich) but made a mistake with the tea, which, while being passed off as Chai, was just a bit disappointing. Packed up my stuff and hauled the first load back to the car, stored the rest in Chris'n Rach's shed mini tent and hung out with them at the Dance Off until it was time to head home. Which was somewhat later than expected but before the Pyramid burn. Got home around midnight, had a shower and fell into bed.


It was a truly great Glade. I have the most amazing friends who have the most amazing friends. 


Yes. I am a hippie. Sometimes.

The Top Of The World, Sitting Here Wishing

Sometimes I actually surprise myself. I really like when that happens.

The Jubilee weekend had some excellent moments, quite a few thanks to a very lovely man that I very definitely need to see more of. In a non-committal, we're just hanging out and having a lot of dirty fun kinda way. It reminded me of how much I need certain things, can't and don't want to be without them, and it's something he can do extremely well. Or maybe we just match.

I also went to Planet Angel, which was a bit meh. The music is always too fluffy for me, I'm a as-close-as-you-can-get-to-EBM PsyTrance girl. All that love you all, hands in the air, come on and hug already, while certainly nice for chilling, just doesn't do shit for me on the dancefloor. If anything, it makes me angry. So we left as soon as the trains started running again and eventually made it to the afterparty. Which was pretty amazing as far as afterparties go. Met new people who stroked my mind, we went to the park to catch some sun and did I mention that my mind got stroked? 'twas lovely.

Sunday and Monday were a bit of a write-off, because people scare me the day after and there were way too many around. Monday was just plain lazyness. Actually made it out of the house on Tuesday and went to  Camden, where I got all excited about some hippie clothes. It happens like that.

Work between the bank holiday and the weekend was like being in the office between Xmas and New Year, loads of people had taken the week off and it was nice and quiet apart from a bit of a panic on Thursday when everybody around me seemed to realize that, shit, we have to do some work.

Last weekend was on the side of unexpected and interesting. Went to a party that I had pencilled in as a civilized affair, i.e. go there, talk to people about the p*rn I'm writing (because I like talking about it, and I'm excited about it, and I'm actually quite proud I'm doing it, and it's not that I have a reputation to lose), have a few laughs, maybe have one or two drinks, then slouch home around 3 on a nightbus or two. Yeah, that didn't quite happen. I started off being civilized (except for the talking about pretty boys fucking bit), but then someone suggested I have a drink, then suggested having other stuff, and maybe there was the odd balloon or 20. Suddenly it was morning and I was sort of clinging to a friend that so far has stubbornly resisted my charm. He didn't this time, so maybe I'm a tad more convincing when I'm fucked. I didn't get much sleep. And it was ok, I wish it had been better, because I kinda like him. I'm a bit afraid that I'm getting jaded, because I have had such amazingly mind blowing sex in my life that just having normal, yeah-that's-kinda-ok, stick it in and wiggle a bit, sex just doesn't cut it anymore. I want it all and I want more of it. Now.

Please.

Talking about pretty boys fucking, I've written a few more fics. They're currently part of a anony-meme writing thing, so not yet posted anywhere else. I've got two interesting WIPs, a sequel and a second point of view, also working on two more prompts but the boys have gone all shy on me and just don't want to get it on. Hate when that happens.

In terms of 'Wait, what is she doing this weekend', my bags are packed and the car is rented for the journey to Glade tomorrow. The weather forecast looks shitty to say the least, which means I won't do much happy hippie bouncing around and probably more of the warm coat and wellies emo thing, but who knows, it might actually be fun. Festivals in my head are always sunny and feature me looking cute being a hippie. Yes, I know I live in the UK and stuff like that just doesn't happen unless I go somewhere else (Burning Man, y'know), but tell that to my head.

Hope, apparently, dies last. It might just float away in a downpour of rain.

The Only Other Option Is To Forget

Work's been slow today, which was partly me (post-party recovery is going well, thankyouverymuch) and partly due to data that I needed not being available. Which means I had time to just stare into space and listen to my Spotify playlist. Which meant The Used and 30 Seconds To Mars. 

I still can't believe how these two bands managed to suddenly rock my world so hard it almost hurts. What really bugs me is that both of them have been around for so long, I had 10 years to find them and they only hit me now. It would have been totally awesome if I would have been there from the start, like I've been with New Model Army or Die Ärzte (oh, those were the days), when they played tiny clubs. But yeah, I really wasn't. I'm pretty sure I heard about The Used before and I definitely remember seeing 30 Seconds on MTV and thinking 'yeah, nice, but no'.

Back in 2002/2003, when I probably came across The Used, I still was a die-hard New Model Army fan and I guess their music just didn't sound right to me back then. I was in a completely different place from now, not only geographically (Cologne, Germany) but also in my head (numb doesn't even come close). Things were strange, but not quite strange enough. 

I've long ago fallen out of love with New Model Army, haven't been to any of their gigs or listened to their songs for years. Last time I tried, for good ol' times sake, it just felt weird. I remember what their music meant to me, so many songs connected to memories, most of them pretty good memories at that, but the part inside me that jumped with glee when I listened to their songs is now mildly bored. 

In the past 10 years I've been on a pretty wild journey, not only in regards to music but let's just concentrate on that for now. I went from New Model Army to Social Distortion, then crossed over to Pendulum, hit sleaze for a bit (Bullets & Octane and Buckcherry), detoured via the Dresden Dolls and got a bit intellectual with Dan Le Sac & Scroobius Pip. All the while crashing head-first into Psy Trance, because I can multi-task. 

But until 6 months ago I just wasn't ready for 30 Seconds To Mars and all their awesomeness just yet and now I'm apparently somewhere where The Used applies. They make that little part inside me jump up and down excitedly and bang it's little head and go all emo on me. Same goes for 30 Seconds To Mars, who kicked that part into gear again and kicked the shit out of it, too.

All the time I'm thinking it shouldn't be like that anymore, I'm over 40 for god's sake, I should be at a place in my life where I'm settled and not have random emo attacks and be just too grown-up to get all jumpy and obsessed with bands like this (and the pretty boys in those bands, too). Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy I'm not and that I can still feel it and know it makes sense the way it is because that's my life. I'm still searching, I'm still not quite there yet (wherever that is, I really wish I knew), still wanna go somewhere and find out what else is around the corner.

So yeah, turns out I'm now in exactly the right head-space to appreciate The fucking Used. 

This Is Me

Source: virtualjepha/instagram

Time has passed, things have happened.

I went to visit my family in Germany, which was lovely but the epiphany of uneventful. Ate a lot of strawberry cake and strawberries, built a bbq, amused my brother’s cat and sat on the balcony (reading p*rn). Tried to catch up on sleep, but am still struggling. My body just doesn’t want to be tired at reasonable times and it's way too easy to stay awake.


Had a bit of a chuckle in Heathrow T5’s shops when I misread “The Queen’s Beasts” as “The Queen’s Breasts” and briefly wondered why the fuck they're selling boobs and why anyone would want the Queen's ones. No, I don’t know what the product was, didn’t check because I immediately got distracted by the sparkly floor. I like how my brain acts like it’s on drugs even when it’s not. Just for the record, I’m not on drugs that often, not half as much as I’d like to be because I’m responsible and stuff. 


I also don’t get laid half as much as I’d like to. Just sayin’.


Managed to write more fic which is mostly fragments at the moment because I keep coming up with interesting bits that don’t fit into existing bits. I need to get a proper writing pad because my current one is a bit rubbish and seriously uninspiring. There is a definite need to have a writing pad, because I don’t have a computer small enough to carry with me at all times and inspiration has this very annoying habit of jumping me when I least expect it (like, seconds before I fall asleep or on the train). And once it hits it just doesn’t go away and keeps poking me until I write everything down. My muse doesn’t so much kiss me as punch me in the face and kick me when I'm down. Trust me when picking a muse to get the one with the attitude problem. I’ve also got the suspicion that it goes out drinking and hangs out in seedy places…


I haven’t stopped mainlining The Used since I discovered them. It’s not a issue as such because they’re awesome, but I’m getting a feeling that everybody around me is slightly sick of hearing me go on about them. Or how cute Jepha Howard is (because he is cute and sexy and the hottest bassist alive and insanely zen and simply amazing).


Coming up is a weekend of party, afterparty, possible death by afterparty, picnic and/or birthday celebrations and maybe some shopping. Thank god it’s the Queen’s Jubilee and a very long weekend, otherwise all of that wouldn’t fit.

Updatage

I've posted the last entry and then realized that I forgot to ramble aimlessly update on other stuff that's been going on.

First, the 'date'. Well, technically it wasn't a date because I don't do dates. They freak me out. Way too much commitment and too many expectations. Don't wanna deal with that. But yeah, I might have met up with someone from OKC. He was wearing white fluffy bunny ears in his profile pic and sounded interesting, and hey, bunny ears. We spent a nice evening chatting and wandering about London, had a few drinks and some nachos, alas, chemistry we had none. Good thing that it wasn't a date, then, otherwise parties involved might have been disappointed. Feel relaxed now that I have my compulsory one OKC-date a year over and done with.

I'm emailing another guy at the moment, too. Until last week I'd been emailing one more guy, but after 2 weeks of messages he still hasn't made any attempt to ask me out or even hinted that he'd like to meet me so that I can ask him out (I'm all equal opportunity and shit). It's clearly not going anywhere and I honestly don't need a penpal. So, just one guy left standing. Might drag him out to a party at some point, he's agreed to that and seems pretty keen.

In regards to the goings-on inside my head, it's still a pretty interesting place. I've finished and posted my first fanfic. I'm rather proud to actually have worked up the nerve to do it, it's the first time something I've written has made it to publication, even if it's just on LJ. I'm working on another fic now, what can I say, it's a slippery slope and I'm having a lot of fun going down...

The fic is posted on my LJ which is friends-locked.

Plans for the upcoming weeks include a trip to Germany (next weekend), a big, messy weekend (which is the Jubilee Weekend) and more parties (ongoing). Also, a festival (Glade).

Yay!

Adventures In Dots

I've been battling bursts of insomnia all week, do get them occasionally and usually don't mind too much because I know that at some point I'll be able to sleep again. Unfortunately, it does interfere with my social life.

I was supposed to go out last night, had the ticket & everything, but the thought of fucking my sleep patterns even further didn't sound like a particularly good idea. So I stayed in, messed around on the internet for a bit and went to bed at 1am and actually managed to pass out around 2 only to wake up again at 8. Seriously not impressed with my body at the moment. I stubbornly stayed in bed until 10, because getting up at single digits on the weekend is just not on, got myself some tea and waited for my flatmate to come home. She'd gone to some circuit training thing in the park, which is impressive if you take into account that she doesn't even manage to get out of bed on time when she's got to go to work, and returned when I'd just finished my breakfast (jaffa cakes & cereal with soy yogurt, we're not discussing my eating habits here...).

We pottered around for a bit, some hoovering ensued, showers were had, and then we headed to the station and got the train to Waterloo. Had some food at the Real Food Market behind the Royal Festival Hall, then trekked over to the Tate Modern for some art.

I'd seen the advertisement for the Yayoi Kusama exhibition a long while back and got seriously excited, because, omg, DOTS! The exhibition featured a spread of her works, with the earlier years looking rather tame and a bit boring for my taste, but the later paintings (psychedelic colours FTW) and the full-room installations were simply stunning. The infinity room literally made my brain squee - it's a mirrored room full of hanging coloured lights which looks a bit like this

only it's even more amazingly mind-blowing when you're standing right in the middle of it. I want my living room to look like that. If I can't have shiny things, I'd like a dotty room, please...

(yes, that's UV dots everywhere).

Back home we paid our downstairs neighbour a visit, coz it was his birthday and my flatmate had made him an Oreo cake. A tasty Oreo cake. The world generally needs a lot more cake.

I'm staying in again tonight and might go to Camden tomorrow.

Because I'm rock'n roll like that.

Still Crazy

The craziness monkeys are still swinging from my every branch. Please move on, nothing to see here.

Actually, I think it's getting less intense. Or maybe I'm just getting used to it. There's only really about 3 days in the month where I feel like I did when I was on the pill, it seems to follow something of a curve. Or a wave.

It feels like I get manic episodes, only that I'm pretty sure that you don't get manic without the depressed coming in as well, and it's not as intense as I imagine a manic episode to be, and I definitely don't get the depressed unless I bring it on myself by fucking up my brain chemistry. So that doesn't count. I do feel a tad hyper occasionally and it would be nice if my sleep pattern would just resort to civilized hours, but I keep messing that one up on weekends, too, which makes it partly entirely my fault. I'm pretty happy through all of that, though. There has been considerably more bounce in my life recently.

And I've found ways to make my brain calm down, at least for a bit. Yeah, yeah.

On another, related note, I currently spend significant amounts of time at work fantasizing about having sex with one of my colleagues in a storage cupboard. Not sure if we even have storage cupboards, but I'm sure I could find something appropriate should it ever get necessary to do so. It's totally out of the question that it would come up, it would be foolish to start anything with someone at work, but the thought has so far entertained me for hours. Days. He is rather pretty. Actually, there's another one that I wouldn't say no to, either. Hmmm. And just so we're clear here, I don't harbor any romantic feelings towards them at all, it's not a crush. I don't even like one of them that much, he's just plain hot. I probably need help.

As for my mind, yep, unsurprisingly that's still hanging out in the gutter. It has made friends and is contemplating buying an apartment there. Turns out that the fanfic I found when I first started looking was the icing on the cake, I've found more but it's not quite as good. What it all boils down to is that I probably have to start writing myself, or more like, finish the two stories I've started. Unfortunately I'm currently suffering from a bit of a writer's block, so I'm still hunting for more stuff to read and get inspired while I get over it.

Also, for some reason my online dating profile has attracted a few (!) candidates that I'd actually like to meet. Seeing that my ventures into online dating have so far produced 2 dates in 2 years, that was a bit of a surprise. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting less picky. And it's not like I'm making more effort...

But before I go on any dates *gasp* I'm going out raving tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to that, although I have to be careful not to break myself to badly because I got stuff™ to do next week.

As you were.

I Come Alive / The Used, O2 Academy, London

I saw The Used last night. It was awesome.

Because I'm a cool kid and also because I don't like waiting outside a venue for the doors to open, I left the house in time to catch the second support act. Or that's what I'd thought. Transport for London totally had other plans. The train arrived as normal, but then proceeded to crawl from station to station because of some signalling problems around the Camden area. Which is pretty impressive seeing that said area is on the other end of the line. Without problems, the journey takes 36 minutes station to station. We'd barely made it to Stockwell in that time, where I left the Northern line to it's misery and jumped on the Vic line, which for once was running and not even experiencing delays. Made it to the venue with enough time left to drop off my coat, pop to the toilet, position myself in the audience and stand around for 15 minutes listening to the venue's idea of appropriate backing music.

I therefore can't really comment on the awfulness or awesomeness of the support acts. I assume they were ok as most people were still inside the venue and not hanging out outside waiting for the noise to finish.

The Used took the stage almost on time (there was a running order for the bands on the website), which was quite a surprise.

But before we take a look at the gig itself, let's have a moment to discuss the band's wardrobe choices. In particular Jepha's. Because, seriously, what was the man thinking? The only possible explanation would be that he didn't have any clean clothes left and had to steal them from an 80's metal band that was staying in the same hotel, although I have the suspicion he was actually serious about his outfit. It kinda matched his pornstar mustache. Still, I would've preferred to not see him in a jeans vest with studded shoulders (gold studs, too), a sleeveless loose fitting black top and light blue jeans. The only redeeming feature were his converse. I like it when men were converse, especially if they team them up with 501's. I probably would've jumped Jepha on stage if he'd done that (and subsequently would've gotten thrown out, but it would've so been worth it), so maybe he'd sensed danger and thought he'd wear something less jumpable. He also seems to have taken out most of his (visible) piercings, which is sad. He still looked hot as hell, though, which goes to prove that nothing can distort real beauty *le sigh* The rest of the band was unobtrusive. Ok, Dan was wearing a bright red headband (him and Jepha read the same magazines, no?), but he's the drummer for god's sake and they're not exactly famous for their fashion sense, which is why they get stashed away behind the drum kit. Bert was all rock singer and ball of cute** in band t-shirt, black shorts and black shoes vans. I approve. Not sure what Quinn was wearing, couldn't see him that well as he was on the other side of the stage and I kept getting distracted by Jepha's hotness and Bert's, errrr, Bert-ness. Which is absolutely fascinating. I'm assuming Quinn was wearing something as I most definitely would've noticed nudity and what he was wearing was fairly inoffensive.

** for considerably crazy and possibly physically dangerous values of cute

Now, the gig. Due to my lateness I started out pretty much at the back of the room. Which would've been annoying if it wasn't for my knack for active queuing. Some people might call it elbowing my way to the front, but I'm more subtle than that. I just fit in small spaces, am squishy and short enough for tall people to not notice me until it's too late and then I'm already in front of them. And I've got years of experience, perfected at numerous New Mode Army gigs, which most of the audience clearly didn't have as they were half my age. A few songs in I was 4 rows from the front, which was alright. I could've taken photos if I could've been arsed to get my phone out, but judging by the amount of cameras I've seen there'll be photos on the web soon, so why get all distracted from the gig if other people do all the work for me.

In terms of setlist, I'm not familiar enough with their albums having mostly fallen in love with the latest one (Vulnerable, it's awesome) to be able recognize the songs and even if I'd known the titles of the songs, my memory is shite, so this is stolen from setlist.fm and may be wrong:

Take It Away

The Bird And The Worm

Listening

Kiss It Goodbye

I Come Alive (I remember this one)

I Caught Fire (yay)

Hospital

The Taste Of Ink

All That I've Got

Buried Myself Alive

Blue And Yellow (yep, that was awesome, too)

Give Me Love

Put Me Out (bounce, bounce, bounce)

The Best Of Me

Paralyzed

an acoustic set of

Surrender (this was intense and insanely good)

On My Own

and, the encore

Blood On My Hands (awesome)

Pretty Handsome Awkward (definitely)

A Box Full Of Sharp Objects

I did my best to sing along to the songs I knew, jumped around and generally had a very, very good time. You could see that the band was having fun on stage, Bert is just amazing, and the energy of the crowd was there, although I've been at gigs where the air was almost electric, but it was pretty good going nevertheless. It was one of the roadies birthday the next day, which meant he got a birthday cake (the interesting bits of a naked man, including cock ring, dead classy) and 'happy birthday' sung by the audience.

Got home around midnight, wide awake, which was annoying seeing that I had to get up and go to work the next morning, but what can you do.

Definitely want more of that, and yes, next time The Used come to London, I'll (most likely, subject to availability) be there.